


The Voice of the Sky

by Mice



Category: Stargate: Atlantis
Genre: Angst, M/M, post-Trinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-29
Updated: 2011-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-15 04:55:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/157238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mice/pseuds/Mice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney is desolate after the events of Trinity. Carson tries to help</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Voice of the Sky

**Author's Note:**

> For the first McBeckChallenge community McBeckathon. Written for fififolle, whose prompt was "McKay falls out with a friend and Beckett helps," aided by FF100 prompt 69: Thunder. Beta provided by Inkscribe!

_And then it happened.  
Amidst cosmic busting and booming  
Gravity snapped_  
~~from _Resurrection Update_ \-- James Galvin~~

Rodney was sitting alone in the back of the mess hall when Carson entered. His broad shoulders were bent, eyes fixed on the table before him as the room around him buzzed with evening activity. It was like an invisible globe of silence encompassed him, isolating him from everything around him.

Usually his table would have been crowded. His hands would be moving, quick and precise and he'd be laughing, talking -- but they were still now, lying motionless on the table, fork held loosely in his fingers. Carson sighed and shook his head.

It took only a few moments for Carson to forage his way along the queue, picking up soup and pasta and a salad before walking over to join Rodney. His friend didn't look up as Carson sat. The silence remained heavy between them for a long moment before Carson spoke Rodney's name.

Rodney didn't react, eyes still fixed on some point between the tip of his nose and infinity.

"Rodney," Carson prompted again, gently.

The Canadian shifted in his chair and looked up but didn't meet Carson's eyes. "What?"

Taking a moment to actually look around the room, Carson noted that Rodney's team was eating at the far side of the mess at a table with no open seats. "I wanted to know how you're doing," Carson told him.

Rodney tapped the handle of his fork on the table restlessly. "I am become death, destroyer of worlds," he murmured.

Carson raised an eyebrow. "Eh?"

"Oppenheimer said it. Los Alamos. The Trinity test." Rodney's eyes shifted to the side, still not glancing in Carson's direction. "All he did was make a crater in New Mexico."

"Rodney," Carson admonished, his voice hushed.

"They won't talk to me, you know," Rodney continued, gesturing across the room toward his teammates with a slight motion of his fork. His eyes continued to avoid Carson's face.

Hesitant, Carson reached out and lay one hand on Rodney's, uncertain of his reception. "It's been a rough day for everyone." Possibly the most egregious understatement of his life, but his own feelings were virtually indecipherable.

Rodney's eyes drifted down to Carson's hand on his. He didn't move beyond that small shift of focus. Carson left his hand where it was, not moving either. "Sheppard's never going to trust me again," Rodney whispered.

The abject misery in Rodney's voice left Carson shivering. "I've never asked anyone to trust me before," Rodney added. He blinked slowly, the arc of dark lashes catching something in Carson's chest. Carson felt like he could barely breathe. The enormity of the day towered over him like thunderheads in a stormy, oppressive sky.

"At least you're safe home again," Carson offered, his thumb moving slowly over the bones of Rodney's hand. The skin there was soft and warm and Carson could feel the slight tremors as Rodney tried to hold himself together.

"Five-sixths of a solar system. Radek will probably never speak to me again either." Rodney's sigh was like a deflation and he slumped a little more. "I don't deserve their trust anyway. What was I thinking?"

"I can't answer that." Carson squeezed Rodney's hand gently. "It was dangerous. You could have been killed." Rodney could have died, not even stray atoms to retrieve to bury after an explosion so large Carson's mind couldn't encompass it.

"I just -- I wanted ..." Rodney shook his head and fell silent. He looked up, meeting Carson's gaze for the first time. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment that stretched into timelessness. Agony was etched on Rodney's face in deep lines, his lips pressed tightly together.

Carson didn't move as Rodney's hand turned beneath his, opened and took his, holding on tight. Relief and anger warred inside him over Rodney's stubbornness, his arrogance, and the hubris of a man who genuinely was more brilliant than anyone else Carson had ever known. "You're only human."

"Tell that to Collins." Rodney's eyes closed tightly and his fingers tightened around Carson's hand, trembling. "I failed, Carson. This was possibly the most spectacular failure in the history of life as we know it. Even the Ancients only managed to wipe out life on the planet -- they didn't physically blow most of the damned system away too."

It hurt to see Rodney like this and Carson had no idea what to do. Collins' death was a blow to the expedition, one that had hit Rodney hard, but no other lives had been lost and Carson found himself thankful for that, at least. "They were uninhabited planets, Rodney." It wasn't like Hoff. Nothing was like Hoff.

"I mean sure, Carter blew away an entire system, but she meant to do it. It wasn't an _accident_." The disgust in Rodney's voice was thick and palpable.

"I'm still your friend," Carson whispered, not letting go of Rodney's hand.

Rodney twitched then blinked, his eyes closing tightly as he drew a sharp breath. Carson could only watch the pain flash across his face like lightning. Slowly, Rodney's eyes opened. He tried to smile, lips twitching up on one side, but failed. He swallowed and murmured, "Thank you."

Carson gave Rodney's hand a last squeeze before he pulled his own back. Rodney's meal looked nearly untouched, no doubt due to his mood or outright distress. "You should eat something." Carson gestured to Rodney's tray. Rodney looked down at it and nodded, poking at his food listlessly.

"Is she going to send me back to Earth, you think?" Rodney stirred his mash a bit. At least he wasn't trying to shape Devil's Tower out of it, Carson thought. He shook his head.

"No, I don't think so." Elizabeth had been furious. Carson had heard about her dressing Rodney down in front of everyone in the gate room. Humiliating him like that hadn't been the best move on her part and Carson resented that she'd had such a lapse in judgment. "She knows better than that, and you had Colonel Caldwell's backing, even if it was bloody idiotic to follow up on it."

"Thank you so much for that vote of confidence," Rodney grumbled. He stuffed a forkful of mash in his mouth and talked through it. "I apologized, okay? I mean, I never apologize to anybody but I apologized to her and Radek and Sheppard and they still won't give me the time of day."

"It's going to take a while, Rodney." Carson started eating too, glad that Rodney at least wasn't trying to starve himself because of it. "You can't expect them to just say 'oh, well then, we'll just forget it'. "

"I know. But it would have been ..." Rodney swallowed his mouthful. "It could have been the answer to so many problems."

Carson nodded. He knew how badly Rodney needed to make things work, to protect the city. Even, Carson knew, to protect his friends though Rodney would never admit it aloud. "Even the Ancients couldn't do it."

Rodney looked up at him, glaring. "They could if they'd give up that stupid 'prime directive' thing they've got going. It's not like it means anything -- they interfere in everything when it suits them."

He had to agree with that. "I'd give the lot of 'em a good dressing down if I had the chance," Carson said. Supper wasn't that bad, but he was a lot less hungry than he thought he'd be. It was probably because Rodney was so upset.

Rodney just nodded and they ate quietly together. Every so often, Rodney would glance over at his friends on the far side of the mess. When they got up and left without even looking in Rodney's direction, Rodney's mood fell even more, his head bowing in dejection. Carson wished he knew what to do, but it didn't seem like talking to any of them would make much difference for another day or so, at least.

"Would you like to come over to my place for a bit?" Carson asked. Rodney looked up at him. "I've a bottle of wine. Might help."

Rodney shrugged. "Sure, okay. Why not?" He gave one last, longing look at the now-empty table where his team had been sitting.

Reaching over, Carson patted Rodney's arm. "Come on, then." He picked up his tray and rose from the table. Rodney followed him. They didn't talk in the hallway, but Carson was conscious of all the looks they were getting. Word had got around, obviously. Carson wasn't the only one with his finger on the pulse of the station's gossip.

"I wish they'd quit staring," Rodney grumbled.

With a sigh, Carson said, "You have to admit, it's rather a big deal." Rodney just made a disgruntled noise and glared straight ahead as they walked.

It didn't take them long to get to Carson's flat, and he let them in. Rodney threw himself down on the couch with a huff while Carson dug in his closet for the bottle of wine; a shiraz one of his brothers had given him when he'd been home on Earth.

The corkscrew took a longer moment to locate, but Rodney just stared down into the carpet as though it would reveal the secrets of the universe, given enough time. Carson opened the bottle and poured two glasses for them.

"Thanks." Rodney took the glass from him, their fingers brushing briefly. It sent a shiver up Carson's arm. They both sipped at their wine and Carson sat down next to Rodney.

They were about halfway through their glasses when Rodney finally spoke. It was a flood, unhampered even by Rodney's usual inadequate social censors. He babbled about losing his friends, about almost killing everyone, about what would happen next time he screwed up, about being sent back to Earth or being pulled from his offworld team and how he'd never be able to hold his head up in public again. Carson just let Rodney talk, watching, worrying.

When Rodney looked up, still in mid-rant, their eyes met and Rodney stopped cold. "Carson?" He looked confused and hurt. "I -- what's wrong?" Carson blinked, not sure where that had come from. "Maybe, maybe I should just go."

Rodney started to rise and Carson reached out and took his arm. "No, I'm sorry. Nothing's wrong, Rodney. I'm just very worried about you." He was. Carson's chest tightened at the loneliness and misery Rodney vibrated with beneath the torrent of his words.

Rodney's face softened and he tossed back the last of the wine in his glass in one go. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't dump all of this on you."

"It's all right," Carson tried to assure him. Rodney shook his head.

"No. It's late. I should go. At least one of us should try to get some sleep tonight."

Disappointed, Carson rose, nodding. He put his glass down and took Rodney's. "Right then." Rodney turned to leave but Carson tugged at his elbow. When Rodney looked back, Carson gave him a brief hug. "I'm here if you need to talk."

The lines around Rodney's eyes deepened and his face tightened. "Thanks," he said softly. With that, he left, leaving Carson feeling oddly bereft and a little light-headed from the wine.

Washing out the glasses didn't take long. Carson brushed his teeth and tossed his clothes in the laundry basket. His mind still on Rodney, he walked to the window and looked out over the city. The lights sparkled around him, bright in the windows of the towers. In the moonlight, clouds were rolling in, slow and ponderous.

With a sigh, Carson turned back to his bed.

***

 _He watched, helpless, as it happened again and again. Heart pounding, he reached out and touched only mist as Rodney died and died and died -- in a jumper stuck in a gate, withering under the hand of a Wraith, tortured and shot by the Genii, screaming from the nanovirus in his veins, in the flash of a sun going nova --_

Carson woke with a start, jolting upright in bed as the sound of thunder rolled over the city. It took a few deep breaths before he got his galloping heart under control and he looked over to the window.

Rain washed down the clear crystal in streams, making the lights of the city flicker and streak. He blinked a few times, deliberately slowing his breathing as he tossed the covers aside. Standing, he stumbled to the window and leaned against it, one palm on the cold, clear substance. There was a flash of light across the sky and Carson counted the seconds automatically, measuring the distance between himself and the storm.

Eight or ten kilometres, perhaps.

He sighed, Doranda still burning in his mind. It would have been silent, the destruction. You couldn't hear anything in space, as Rodney was so fond of pointing out. There was no atmosphere to propagate sound waves. Only light and the shockwave of devastation.

Silence. Rodney would have died in the cold of space, the star-rending flash of a holocaust beyond any imagining and the thought shook Carson to his core, leaving a cold, hard lump in the pit of his stomach. Gooseflesh rose on his arms as he realized what it meant, how alone he'd be without Rodney. That he didn't want to be without Rodney.

That he'd fallen in love without realizing it, creeping and invisible and subtle as breath. His head spun and he braced his forehead against the cold pane of the window beside his hand. It fogged under his breath.

The nightmare and the sudden, shocking knowledge told him he'd not be sleeping at all tonight. His head was light, spinning as if gravity had suddenly let loose its hold. He wasn't certain what to do, but he knew at some point he'd have to talk to Rodney. Carson had no doubt his friend would still be awake after the events of the day.

The thought of it left him unsettled; Rodney, alone and believing he'd lost his team, lost Radek's respect, lost Elizabeth's esteem, possibly even lost his job. His heart sped again as he contemplating going to Rodney's quarters. He had no idea what Rodney would think. Hell, he had no idea what _he_ really thought of the whole thing. He'd had a few flings with men in the past, but never anything serious. He'd always liked women better. He'd certainly never actually been in love with a man before.

With a sigh, Carson pulled himself away from the window and got dressed in jeans and a pullover. Rodney, damn him, seemed to be an exception to every rule he came across. Bloody stubborn git. Thunder rolled again, closer this time. Carson wished the thundering of his heart would settle.

***

Rodney answered his door after two soft taps when Carson knocked. He looked Carson up and down and stood aside. "I don't even want to know why you're still awake, but come in." He sounded exhausted and miserable. He looked rather more tipsy than when he'd left Carson's quarters. A quick glance revealed a half-empty vodka bottle on Rodney's table.

"I won't ask how you're feeling." Carson sat on the couch when Rodney gestured.

"Probably for the best," Rodney replied, plopping down next to him. He smelt of alcohol, sharp but not stale enough yet to be rancid. "She's gonna send me back to Earth, seriously. I'm doomed."

"She's not." Carson laid one gentle hand on Rodney's thigh. His entire body tingled, hair rising on his arms and the back of his neck. The gesture and his own reaction were far more revealing than Carson wanted.

Rodney looked at him, blinking owlishly. "I hope you're right, because really, I just wanted to be able to defend us. I wanted to keep you -- I mean us, keep us -- keep everybody safe. Get rid of the Wraith. Power the city." Rodney's words were jumbled but his eyes were fixed on Carson's. His hand covered Carson's and squeezed hard for a moment, loosening and staying there.

Carson swallowed, uncertain. "Rodney--"

"Don't -- I -- don't. I fucked up, I know. I really screwed the pooch, Carson. Sheppard will kick me off his team and Elizabeth will give Radek my job and they'll send me back to Earth." He didn't break eye contact except to blink and Carson was caught in the blue of his bloodshot eyes. He was sounding more distressed by the moment. "They'll send me back to Siberia or something because I killed Collins. Carter will laugh. I'll be a laughingstock."

"You didn't. She won't. They won't." His heart was pounding now, almost painful as Carson tried to get himself together and calm Rodney down. Turning his hand on Rodney's thigh, he took Rodney's hand in his. Rodney blinked and looked down at their joined hands then back up at him.

"Carson?" Confusion rang in his voice.

"Rodney, I ..." Carson wasn't sure what to say. How could he explain what had happened, how he felt?

Rodney stared, transfixed. His mouth opened and he closed it again. His hand tightened around Carson's. "I, ah, is this, are you -- I mean, I ..." Carson reached up with his free hand and brushed Rodney's rough, stubbled cheek with the backs of his fingers. The contact was electric.

Rodney's eyes widened. "Carson, are you, I mean, do you -- I'm straight, you know?" He took a quick breath and stumbled on, words tumbling almost too fast. "Ah -- I like women but, well, I mean, there was this guy in grade eight that I thought was hot, and my calculus teacher in grade twelve, he was -- and that amazingly good looking guy who was a T.A. when I was an undergrad but, but that doesn't mean ... I like women. A lot." He blinked and looked down at their hands again, his voice muffled, slightly embarrassed.

Carson sat there holding his breath through it all as Rodney's hand squeezed his own. "Aye, so do I," he said. "But I, ah, I like you too." He could feel himself blushing. Rodney tilted his head, looking confused. Carson didn't want to push things.

"I think I'm too drunk to make sense of this," Rodney muttered. "Did you mean what I thought you meant? I mean, what you said?" He looked down at their hands again, fingers tightening, keeping Carson's hand where it was.

Carson evaded the question. He couldn't deal with it now, not with Rodney so drunk and so damned vulnerable. "You could have died," he whispered, heart constricting in his chest. Rodney looked back up at him. "You could have died so many times." Rodney tugged at his hand and Carson followed the motion, leaning in as Rodney took him in his arms. He closed his eyes and held on, breathless. "I was so afraid for you," Carson said. He let one hand shift cautiously down Rodney's back. "I tried to sleep but all I could see was how many times you've nearly died on me." His voice trembled and he took a breath to steady himself.

Rodney swallowed and pulled him closer. "Stay tonight." Carson could hear the spark of fear in it.

"Do you mean that?" If his heart beat any harder it would burst from his chest. Carson wasn't sure what to make of the request. "I don't know what you want here."

"Just, just stay, okay? It doesn't have to be anything, Carson." Rodney nuzzled his neck, his voice muffled a bit against Carson's shoulder. "I just don't want to be alone right now. Don't go."

Carson nodded, rubbing Rodney's back gently, the fabric beneath his hand more intensely real than it had any right to be. Rodney was warm and breathing and babbling and drunk, clinging to him, and Carson couldn't let go.

"I'll stay," he promised. Rodney sniffled, not moving. "We can talk about this tomorrow," Carson added, "if there's anything to talk about." What was going on here? Was it just the alcohol in Rodney's system or wishful thinking on Carson's part? Carson didn't want to make a mistake, didn't want to do something stupid and irreparable with Rodney drunk and himself overwrought after a nightmare and a terrible, frightening day.

What he felt, that was real enough, but it was the only thing Carson could trust right now. His hand moved slowly up and down Rodney's broad back as his own heart hammered relentlessly inside his ribs. How he'd not seen his feelings growing with their friendship he didn't know. Rodney's mixed signals weren't helping at all. If this moment with Rodney in his arms were all he could have, then he'd cherish it for the moment it was and leave tomorrow to its own devices. It would come soon enough anyway.

"Don't wanna talk tomorrow," Rodney murmured, still nuzzled into Carson's shoulder, his cheek scratching a little against Carson's neck. The roughness of it shot through him, sensual and appealing. He tilted his head a little closer, just holding Rodney, arms around him, one hand still moving slowly. "I want you here. I want to think but I can't. I don't know what the hell I want." Rodney's breathing hitched. "Why do I feel like this?"

"You're hopelessly pissed." Carson couldn't help a small chuckle.

"Oh, right." Rodney nuzzled him again and Carson held on, stroking his back gently. "I-I don't feel so good."

Carson sighed. "Try to sleep, Rodney. You're going to be all hung over in the morning."

"Don't wanna sleep," Rodney whined. "You're my friend, Carson. You're my only real friend, my best friend and everything. I've never had a best friend before. I mean, you're here and you're still talking to me and you aren't going away." His fingers tightened in Carson's shirt. "You're not going away, right?"

"Aye, Rodney, I'm your friend and I'm not leaving," Carson assured him. It hurt to hear him talk like that. Carson knew the entire mess was awkward but he was sure it wouldn't last. "People will calm down in a few days and things will get back to normal."

"You're the only one who cares." Rodney's plaintive voice was muffled against his shoulder. "You do, right? Really?"

Carson tightened his arms around Rodney, heart aching. "More than you know. Just go to sleep, will you?"

"Mmhm." Rodney nodded, his voice quieting.

"Hush, now. Go to sleep. I've got you," he whispered. Carson leaned back into the couch, letting Rodney settle against him. "It'll work out," he promised, hoping it was the truth. Tomorrow was likely to be awkward for both of them. He wondered if Rodney would even remember any of their conversation tonight. "Hush, now." He shifted, trying to get comfortable.

Rodney snuggled down into his arms, already half asleep, face buried against Carson's chest. It was going to be a long night. Carson lowered the lights, watching the distant lightning through the balcony's clear door.

***

Carson woke with an elbow in his bladder. Rodney gave a pained moan. "Bloody hell, Rodney, move your elbow." Rodney stank like a man who'd been piss-drunk last night but, of course, he had been so it shouldn't have been any surprise.

Rodney groaned again. "No shouting." At least he moved his arm, and Carson's bladder was no longer in danger.

"I wasn't shouting," Carson said, his voice soft. Rodney's face was still buried in Carson's shoulder. "You're still drunk, aren't you?"

"Nnnn ..." Rodney rolled slowly onto his side, managing to not fall from the couch by some gravity-defying miracle. "No. I feel like crap." He looked up at Carson and blinked a few times. "We, ah, we didn't ... do anything, um, rash, did we?"

"Excuse me, what?" Carson was entirely taken aback. "If you'll note, we're both still fully dressed." So apparently Rodney remembered something of their conversation last night, bizarre as that had been. And it seemed there was more to it than he'd said aloud, as well. "And I'd never take advantage of anyone like that anyway."

"No, no." Rodney shook his head. "I s'poze you wouldn't." His face pinched. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Bloody hell." Carson got him up on his feet and helped him to the loo before Rodney lost the contents of his stomach. At least he hit the toilet. Carson sat on the edge of the tub next to him, helping keep him from planting his face in the bowl. It took several rounds of vomiting before Rodney was in any shape to even sit down and catch his breath.

Carson handed Rodney a glass of water with some mouthwash diluted in it. "Here. Rinse and spit. You'll feel better." Rodney groped blindly for the glass and followed instructions before looking up at him, bleary eyed and squinting against the light.

"Are you going to give me the alcohol poisoning lecture again?" Rodney rasped.

"Brain the size of a bloody planet and a hangover like that? I don't think you need to hear it a second time." He shook his head. "Though I do think you need a wash up. You stink like a pub after a rugby match." Thank god there wasn't any stale tobacco smoke on him. That would have been truly nauseating.

Rodney nodded miserably. "I think I'm gonna need some help." He made a feeble attempt to get to his feet.

"No doubt," Carson sighed. He took by Rodney one arm and got him upright, then started getting his uniform off him. Rodney leaned heavily on him the entire time. "Then I'm taking you down to the infirmary and giving you something for the nausea. It'll make you drowsy so at least you'll sleep off most of the hangover instead of suffering through the whole thing."

"Oh, good." Rodney did his best to help get his clothes off. Carson stood outside the shower, reaching in to brace Rodney with one arm so he could lean on it, and let his friend wash himself. He'd at least leave the man that much dignity. Rodney muttered and complained through the whole process and Carson swabbed him down with a towel when it came time to dry him off. He was a professional, at least, and didn't look any more than he had to, though it was still a bit tempting.

"Come on, then. Let's get a pair of pyjama bottoms on you, and your robe. We're just going to put you to bed in the infirmary anyway." He helped Rodney back into his bedroom. Rodney wobbled and sank slowly down onto the bed as Carson found his pyjamas and robe.

"I am never drinking anything again," Rodney murmured solemnly. "My brain is leaking out my eyes."

"It is not, and you're a liar anyway," Carson grumbled, wrestling with Rodney's pyjama pants and getting them up over his legs. Rodney was trying to help but mostly getting in the way. "Stop that and just lie still for me." Rodney groaned and complied, going limp on the bed. That, at least, was much easier and Carson made short work of getting the pyjamas on him. He grabbed Rodney's robe. "Right then, up you get." He put one arm under his friend and hefted him, supporting Rodney's wobbly attempt to maintain verticality.

Rodney stuck an arm out and Carson slipped the robe around him, letting Rodney lean as he pushed his other arm through. "Good, that's good," he murmured, tying the robe's belt about Rodney's waist. "Let's go, then."

It didn't take long to get Rodney to the infirmary. Neither of them spoke; Rodney was too busy squinting against the lights and putting one foot in front of the other. Carson got an isolated bed for him and let him lay down. "Now stay there and I'll be back in a few minutes with some medication for you."

"Too late, I'm dying," Rodney grumbled, propping one arm over his eyes.

"Hush, you." Carson shook his head and pulled the privacy curtain around the bed then hurried off to relieve himself and get Rodney's meds. Waking to an elbow in the bladder hadn't been pleasant, but he'd had other things to deal with before he could take care of his own needs.

A few minutes later he was back by Rodney's bedside. Carson had fielded a few questions on his way, including one from a medic wondering if he was having a day off, being as he wasn't in uniform. He'd have to go home to shower and get dressed when he was done with Rodney. The incapacitated Canadian lay exactly where Carson had left him, making soft sounds of discomfort.

"Right, then, let's get you feeling better." He prepped Rodney's skin with swab of alcohol. Rodney whimpered when Carson injected him. It would make him drowsy, but that was all to the good as far as Carson was concerned. Setting the used hypodermic aside, he sat on the edge of Rodney's bed and caressed his forehead gently.

"Don't go," Rodney murmured. He reached up and took Carson's elbow.

Carson sighed and shook his head. "I'm afraid I have to, Rodney. I've got to get ready for work. I'll tell Elizabeth you'll not be in today, though."

Rodney grimaced. "No need. She relieved me of duty for three days." He didn't let go of Carson.

"I'm sorry, lad. Though for today, at least, it's just as well." He'd speak to Elizabeth when he had a chance. Taking Rodney down in front of everyone like that hadn't been right.

"Can you just stay a few minutes?" Rodney asked. "Until the drugs kick in, anyway." He squinted up at Carson, pain still etched on his face.

"All right." Carson nodded and patted Rodney's hand. There was something he wanted to know anyway. "So, ah, why did you ask if we'd ... well, done anything untoward last night?" Obviously he remembered something of their conversation, but Carson wasn't sure what.

Rodney's eyes closed and he groaned softly. "You always ask the hard questions when I feel like shit."

"Just doing my job." Carson chuckled. Rodney's fingers tightened around his arm. "I don't know if we were clear at all last night on anything we talked about is all."

"I guess I was just wondering if, ah, if I'd made a pass at you or something." Rodney turned his face away, blushing a little.

"A pass at me? Heavens, no." Carson sighed. "And if you had I'd not have taken you up on it anyway. You were terribly drunk."

Rodney nodded and turned back to look at Carson. "Yeah, that was why I was worried I might have. I, well, I've done that a couple of times when I was really hammered. Made, um, passes at guys, I mean. But nobody's ever taken me up on it. I have no idea why -- I'm straight, you know?" Rodney's voice turned pleading at that last, as if he was trying to convince himself of it.

"It's all right, Rodney. You said as much last night." Carson shook his head. "Then you proceeded to tell me about a few men you thought were hot." He took a deep breath. "And it's fine with me, whatever you are -- straight or not. I'm a wee bit bent myself."

Rodney's eyes widened momentarily but he slammed them shut with a whimper. "Light hurts," he whispered.

"I know," Carson told him softly, wishing he weren't in love with Rodney. It was obvious the man was in some kind of denial and if that kept up it just couldn't end well. "You'll feel better soon, I promise."

"Stomach's not so bad now," Rodney agreed. His eyes opened just a slit. "You're... you're not straight?"

"No. I like women well enough; better than men most of the time really, but that doesn't mean I haven't met a few I liked that way." He shrugged. Rodney regarded him silently for a long moment. "I really should get ready for work." He patted Rodney's shoulder.

"I didn't know." Rodney held on to Carson's arm as he tried to rise from the bed. "Why didn't I know?"

Carson gently extricated himself from Rodney's grip. "I didn't think you'd care one way or the other, to be honest." He shook his head. "Maybe I was wrong about that."

"I don't know." Rodney nodded then grimaced at the motion. "You're not straight."

"Go to sleep, Rodney. If it's something you want to talk about, we can do that later when we've got some proper privacy." Standing, Carson picked up the used hypo and moved away from the bed. "I'll be back in to check on you in a bit, all right?"

"Yeah," Rodney said weakly. "Sleep. Sleep is good." Carson tugged the privacy curtain closed about Rodney's bed as he left. He had a lot to think about now, and he didn't want his imagination to run off with him.

***

He saw her sitting by one of the windows at a table by herself. Elizabeth was almost done with her meal, but Carson had a few things to say to her. Better she was alone, really, considering what he intended to tell her.

"Good afternoon, Elizabeth. Do you mind if I sit with you?" He paused as she looked up and nodded, gesturing to the chair opposite her.

"Carson, I heard Rodney is in the infirmary. Is he all right?" She looked concerned at least.

Carson set his tray down and sat. Taking a sip of his tea, he leaned back and looked at her. "He had a rough day yesterday. He was pretty badly hung over this morning. I made him come in and rest in the infirmary."

"Ow." She grimaced. "I guess I can't blame him."

He nodded. "Aye, chances are I'd have done the same." He sighed and set his cup down. "But I wanted to talk with you about yesterday anyway." She gave him a surprised look. "Elizabeth, it really wasn't appropriate for you to castigate Rodney in public like that. While he may well have deserved what he got, it should never have been where everyone could hear it."

Elisabeth flushed. "Carson--"

"I'm not done," he said, keeping his voice soft so that he wasn't overheard. He wished it were easier. "Everyone's angry at Rodney right now and I can't exactly blame them. But he's terrified you're going to send him back to Earth and that he's going to be sent back to Siberia over this."

"That's ludicrous," Elizabeth insisted. "We need him here. Despite the magnitude of the situation, we can't afford to lose him."

"He doesn't believe that, and having it out with him publicly only gave him more ammunition for his paranoia. He thinks he's completely alone here now. That's why he went on a bender last night. I think you owe him an apology for taking the piss out of him publicly. You know him as well as I do; he apologized to you and the colonel and Radek yesterday. Rodney's generally not a man who apologizes to anyone. He knows what he did and I sincerely doubt he's going to try anything near that stupid again in this lifetime."

"I'm not sure what he had to say to me quite amounted to an apology, but you do have a point." Elizabeth sighed and rested her forehead in one palm.

"Colonel Sheppard told Rodney he doesn't trust him anymore, that Rodney will have to earn his trust back, and I can't tell you how harsh a blow that is to the man." Carson shook his head, still frustrated and upset. "It's bad business, Elizabeth, very bad."

"Sometimes Rodney has to be protected from himself," Elizabeth said, not lifting her head. "You know that. You've done it yourself."

"I know, I know." Carson reached out and touched her arm gently. "I'm just worried about him. I've never seen him so devastated."

Elizabeth looked up at him, her face unreadable. "You're not suggesting he's going to harm himself."

"Beyond giving himself the world's worst hangover?" He chuckled. Poor Rodney. "Not likely. It's a good thing he didn't have to go in to work today, though." Carson sipped more of his tea. "He's hypochondriac, not self-destructive, at least most of the time. I'm still trying to understand why he went so far."

"That's what bothers me," Elizabeth murmured. "John had to drag him away at the last moment. Things could have been ... they could have been so much worse."

"I know," Carson whispered, his gut knotting. "I wish he didn't have such a talent for getting himself in trouble." Images of his nightmare still flickered at the edge of his consciousness. "He takes every loss in his department personally, Elizabeth, and there have been a lot of them this past year. It's been harder on him than I think you realize."

"I-I'm still so angry with him, Carson," Elizabeth admitted, folding her hands on the table in front of her. "Yesterday I was furious that he'd gone behind my back like that. I just wish those two would listen to me once in a while. I feel like they think it's some kind of a game to get one over on me." There was a bitter tinge to her voice. "They're grown men, not teenagers, and I'm not going to accept 'boys will be boys' as an excuse."

Carson shook his head. "I'm not asking you to. I'm not trying to tell you that you shouldn't be angry with him. All I'm saying is that disciplining him in public was inappropriate. "

"All right," she said, nodding reluctantly. "I agree, it was wrong." Rubbing her face with one hand, she paused, stared down at her salad. "I'll go and talk to him later today, okay?"

"Thank you, Elizabeth." Carson took one of her hands in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I appreciate it. Probably best to go in late this afternoon. I wouldn't want you to wake him. He's not going to be feeling his best when you see him."

"I'll be sure to tell him that I'm not sending him back to Earth," she added.

He smiled. "That's good, thank you. He needs to hear that."

"Thank you for coming to me about this, Carson. You're right, I shouldn't have let my anger get the better of me." She squeezed his hand and let go, taking up her fork again.

Carson nodded, feeling better about the whole thing now. "Do you mind if I have lunch with you, then?"

Elizabeth smiled. "Please, stay. I'd enjoy the company."

***

Carson answered Rodney's tentative knock on his door. The man was still looking a bit peaked, but it wasn't that surprising. He'd checked on Rodney before he signed him out of the infirmary, after all. Rodney had made a stammering request to talk, so Carson had invited him over for dinner. "Come in, Rodney." He stood aside and let his friend enter.

Rodney looked nervous. "Elizabeth said she wasn't going to send me back to Earth," he said, "but Sheppard's still not talking to me, and I couldn't even find Zelenka."

"Give them time," Carson said. He gestured toward the little table at one end of his flat. "I brought food up for us." Rodney nodded and followed Carson, both of them taking seats. Carson had got lasagne from the mess, though considering Rodney's condition he'd not bothered with wine. There was coffee, though, and Rodney picked up one steaming cup with an expression of delight.

"Oh, coffee, how I've missed you!" He held the mug between both hands and inhaled deeply, his face blissful.

Carson smiled. "It's only been one day since you've had any, you know."

Rodney tilted his head up, keeping his nose over the cup, one eyebrow raised. "Time is relative when your brain's about to explode." He glanced down into the mug and smiled, taking a long, slow sip. Carson's chest tightened at the sight; the slant of Rodney's lashes across his cheek was intoxicating. It wasn't right that a man like Rodney should be so damned good looking.

Carson served the lasagne and salad while Rodney made nearly obscene noises into his mug. Carson did his best to ignore what the sounds were doing to him. "So, Rodney, you decided you wanted to talk."

Slowly, Rodney lowered the cup. He gave Carson a hesitant glance. "Don't know what to say," he admitted.

"Does it bother you?" Carson decided it would be best to get that out of the way before anything else. If it did bother Rodney, there was no point in taking the conversation further.

Rodney picked up his fork and poked at the cheesy pasta, focusing on that rather than looking up at his friend. Carson waited patiently, taking a bite of his salad. "I'm not sure," Rodney finally said. "I don't think so. I mean, you're still the same person you've always been, right?'

Carson smiled, feeling a little of the tension in his shoulders ease. "Of course."

Rodney gave him a thoughtful look. "Then I guess it doesn't, really. You're, you're the best friend I've ever had, and you're the only one who's even still talking to me so it would be pretty moronic of me to let it change that."

Leaning back into his chair, Carson nodded. "Sensible."

"Actually, I'm kind of surprised you _are_ still talking to me," Rodney admitted.

Carson's fingers tightened around the handle of his mug. He hesitated for a moment before he spoke. His heart was pounding and he couldn't help feeling nervous about the whole thing. "Rodney, a system full of dead planets and failed Ancient technology doesn't mean a damned thing to me. You were a bloody fool for pushing it that far, but I honestly don't care that you blew up a solar system. You came home. That's all that matters to me. You." Saying it was hard and he was shaking a little when he was done, but Rodney needed to know. It was too important to let pass.

His friend's eyes widened, bright blue. "You know I like women," Rodney started.

"Rodney, it's not--"

"Women, not guys," Rodney continued, talking right over him. "Well, I mean, I've never been into guys. I've looked at guys sometimes. Not a lot -- once in a while. Sometimes. But that doesn't mean anything, I mean, not really. It's just looking." He poked at his food, still speaking, the words coming fast, as though they weren't being thought about at all, just flowing unhindered.

"And that stuff about making passes at guys when I was drunk, I mean, sometimes that just happens. People don't always know what they're doing when they're drunk. They don't always think about things. I wasn't thinking, you know? Not when I was back in university. And Rob was really hot, I mean, I'd never seen anybody that hot before, not even any women I know. He was Japanese and black and he had the most amazing eyes and god, he was, I mean, he was _beautiful_ \-- maybe the most beautiful human being I'd ever seen in my life. Not that you're not hot and all. I mean, really, you are. You're very, very hot, in fact." Carson blinked, stunned by Rodney's revelation.

Rodney's hands were moving quick as his words and Carson just let him go. "And it's not like Rob said yes or anything. Actually, he laughed at me and walked away. So I've never actually, you know, had sex with a guy or anything, and I mean, I didn't really even think about it except when I was shitfaced. Not that I was thinking about it last night." Rodney blushed. "I swear I wasn't, I mean you're my friend and all and I wouldn't do anything that, I mean, really, I just ..." He paused, blinking, his mouth open, one finger raised in the air. "Oh, shit. I'm bisexual."

The look of shock on Rodney's face left Carson silent for a very long moment, struggling with his own feelings and desires. "It's all right, you know," Carson finally said. "It doesn't change who you are any more than it changed who I am."

"It doesn't?" Rodney sounded confused.

"No, it doesn't." Carson reached out and put a hand on Rodney's wrist. Rodney sat very still, looking down at Carson's hand as though it were a snake. "And it doesn't have to change anything at all between us if you don't want it to."

"It ... doesn't ..." Rodney whispered.

"On the other hand," Carson continued softly, half-terrified of what he was going to say next. He swallowed hard. "On the other hand, if you do want it to, we can talk about that as well."

Rodney looked up at him, wide-eyed. "I, ah ... I don't know."

Carson nodded. "Fair enough." Wishing for too much wasn't going to get him anything anyway. He tried to calm his racing heart. "Maybe we should just have dinner, then, eh?"

"Ah, yeah. Dinner. Dinner is a good idea." Rodney nodded vigorously, his head bobbing quickly up and down as he stared down into his plate. It took a while before conversation started again, but they talked about Elizabeth's visit to Rodney in the infirmary and Sheppard's silence. Rodney seemed particularly hurt by Radek avoiding him but Carson had heard about the things Rodney had said and wasn't too surprised by it.

There were a few awkward silences where Carson would look up to find Rodney staring at him. He wasn't sure what to make of that, but he knew that Rodney never had an easy time with his feelings. This had to be quite the shocker for him and so Carson could let it go. There would no doubt be more talk about the situation later, particularly if Sheppard and Zelenka continued to give Rodney the cold shoulder. He hoped that would pass quickly, though.

"I, ah, I really should go," Rodney said quietly when he finished his dinner. He fiddled with the fork rather than setting it down, not looking up at Carson.

"You don't have to," Carson offered. "But we can always talk later if you like."

Rodney set his fork down. "Yeah, I think, well, I mean, we're not... um..."

Carson sighed and got up to clean up the dishes. Rodney followed him over to the tiny kitchen area as Carson put them in the sink. "It's all okay. Really." He wasn't sure right now that he could look at Rodney either. He wanted so badly for Rodney to stay, but it wasn't his choice. When he turned around, Rodney was right there inside his personal space.

Rodney's eyes shifted from Carson's eyes to his mouth, a rapid flutter up and down a couple of times. He leaned in, awkward, and his lips brushed within a hair's breadth of Carson's, then he blushed and stammered, "I, ah, I have to go."

Carson stood there with his mouth open, barely able to catch his breath, suddenly hard as a rock inside his trousers. He couldn't even stutter out a response as Rodney backed away and hurried off. Stunned, he leaned back against the counter. His heart was thundering and he was short of breath. "Oh, god."

The door slid closed behind Rodney with a soft sound. "Oh, god." He couldn't believe that had just happened. His head was spinning and he took a long, deep breath, trying to clear it. Rodney had just kissed him.

Well, almost kissed him. Intended to kiss him before he'd chickened out of it. Wanted to kiss him. He swallowed, trying to calm himself, but his body was still reacting to Rodney having been that close.

It was so close to what he'd wanted -- so close, but that hair's breadth might as well have been an intergalactic chasm and Rodney had walked away. God, Carson wanted him, wanted to run after him, but he didn't for a moment believe he should. Rodney had to sort it out for himself without any pressure from Carson because the last thing Carson wanted was for Rodney to do something and then regret it and resent him for it. He groaned. "Bloody hell."

Sleep in this condition was going to be impossible. His heart was still hammering and he walked into his bedroom and leaned his forehead against the window. It was cold and outside the rain was still falling. He stared out at the watery ripples of light from the towers across the way. After a moment, all he could do was close his eyes, his pulse thundering in his ears. "Rodney," he whispered. Carson wrapped his arms around himself, wishing Rodney were there, was holding him.

His body remembered lying on Rodney's couch last night with the man in his arms, warm and still. The sense-memory was overwhelming and Carson sighed and dropped himself on his bed. He sat for a few minutes, unable to mute the desire he felt. Rodney had... wanted him? It certainly seemed so.

He let himself imagine the kiss: the one that should have happened. A soft brush of lips, tentative, shy. The warm, damp slip of a tongue tracing along his lower lip. He shivered, drawing in a sharp, shallow breath. Rodney was just a little taller than Carson, broader shouldered, with a presence Carson had always found substantial. It was only last night he'd realized how very much he liked that.

Last night had changed so many things. He lay down on his side, tugging his pillow into his arms. He needed to think but the ephemeral, ghostly almost-touch of Rodney's lips against his haunted him. He wanted Rodney so badly right now and couldn't go to him. There would only be awkward talk and Carson couldn't handle more of that right now. Not with his body aching for touch and the warmth of body against body.

Fighting it was hopeless. The only way to get Rodney out of his mind would be to take care of the frustration that was building inside him. It was the only way he'd get any sleep tonight. With a sigh, he shook his head and got up again, getting undressed. That was only the work of a moment and he tossed his clothes aside, crawling into bed and thinking the lights off. The flicker of lights from the towers outside caught his eye as rain speckled the window.

Carson lay on his back and let one hand move slowly over his body, the other tucked under his head. It should have been Rodney's hand exploring him, warm and hesitant. He closed his eyes and just let himself feel. It was easy enough -- he'd seen Rodney naked before, even this morning, and liked what he'd seen.

Fingers traced circles around one tight nipple and he shivered. It would feel so good, Rodney touching him. He pinched it tight and gasped at the sensation that shot through him, his cock twitching with his want. Impatient, Carson let his hand slip down, taking his cock and stroking himself. That was better -- warm and tight and easy enough to imagine as Rodney's hand on him. He settled back and relaxed, bringing one knee up, his foot flat on the mattress. "Yeah, like that," he whispered.

Licking his lips, Carson stroked slow and steady, wondering what Rodney would look like in his pleasure. Would he talk the whole time? Would he close his eyes? Would he look at Carson with the same focused intensity he gave to his work?

Thunder rolled outside, muted by architecture and distance. Carson imagined the warmth of Rodney's body against him, the weight of Rodney leaning over his chest, the heat of his breath against Carson's throat. And lips, soft and damp.

God, he wanted that.

"Please," he murmured. His hand was moving more quickly now, sensation shimmering through him. He could almost smell Rodney -- he'd been so close, the warmth of his breath on Carson's cheek when he leaned in. With a gasp, Carson came, his hips jerking briefly. Panting, his body relaxed.

"Damn it." He really wished he weren't alone. "Ah, well. Nothing to be done about it now." He rolled over and stared out the window.

***

He looked up as Rodney walked toward his table, tray in hand. "I, ah, can I sit with you?" Rodney asked. Carson nodded.

"Of course." He'd not seen Rodney all day, but it had been busy and he really wasn't that surprised. From the look on his face, Rodney had been thinking and had something to say and Carson was afraid he knew what it was.

"I -- Carson, I wanted to, ah... I shouldn't have--"

"It's all right, Rodney," Carson said, feeling his heart sink. "I understand." He looked down at the table, setting his fork down. He wasn't sure he could eat now, suddenly not hungry anymore. He should never have even hoped that Rodney would really mean it, that he'd really want him.

Rodney's hand inched tentatively across the table, his fingertips touching Carson's hand. "I wanted to apologize," Rodney said softly. "I, ah, I shouldn't have left like that last night."

Surprised, Carson looked up. He blinked. Rodney locked eyes with him. "I shouldn't have left you hanging."

"Rodney," Carson whispered. He wasn't sure how to handle this.

"I should have stayed." Rodney blushed and looked away. "I wanted to but... but I was, um, you know." His hand wagged in the air.

"It's all right." Carson could barely think. Rodney had been afraid? "I -- we --"

Rodney picked up his coffee mug and sipped. A moment later he looked back up at Carson. "Can we maybe talk after this?" His finger circled his tray.

"Aye." Carson nodded. "We -- of course." His heart was racing and he felt light-headed. "Of course we can talk."

"I should have kissed you," Rodney whispered.

"Rodney --"

"I wanted to kiss you."

Carson shivered. "You can, you know. Anytime."

Rodney looked around. "Not here, moron." He glowered at Carson.

Carson couldn't help smiling at that. "Of course not." The light-headedness wasn't going away.

Rodney smiled back, tentative and nervous. "You don't, ah, hate me for running away last night?"

"I wasn't sure what to think," Carson confessed. "But I wished you'd stayed."

Rodney blushed again, more deeply this time. "I-I don't know how to do this," he murmured.

"It's all right. There's no need to rush anything." Carson took a deep breath. "I mean, you might change your mind, and I don't want you to do anything you'd regret."

"McKay." Colonel Sheppard came up to their table, startling both of them. Carson looked up as Rodney went pale.

"C-Colonel." Rodney blinked. "I, ah, you're talking to me."

Sheppard shrugged. "It's not like avoiding you is gonna do any good." He sat with them, setting his tray down. Carson wished the man had chosen any other meal for this, but he wasn't going to object. Rodney needed this more than they needed to finish an awkward conversation in public.

Rodney gave Sheppard a hesitant smile. "I -- so, ah, does this mean we're gonna be okay, then?" Carson could hear the apprehension in the question.

"Eventually," Sheppard said. "I still haven't forgiven you."

Rodney's face fell. "It's a start," Carson said, hoping to divert Rodney's attention toward the fact that it was a start. The fact Sheppard had come over at all was a good thing, and he and Rodney could certainly continue their own conversation later, in private.

Sheppard nodded. "Gotta start somewhere, " he agreed. He gave Rodney a long, assessing look. "So Elizabeth pulled you off duty for a few days."

"Um, yeah." Rodney looked down at his dinner. He picked up his fork and poked at it. "It's humiliating enough without you reminding me, thank you."

"We're lucky she didn't ship both of us back on the _Daedalus_." Sheppard sounded sympathetic. Carson just sat and ate, letting them talk. Rodney looked up at Sheppard in astonishment.

"Caldwell and the Pentagon might've been in favor of the whole thing," Sheppard continued, "but ultimately she's in charge of the mission here. Though sometimes I think she doesn't take our defense seriously enough."

Rodney gave Sheppard a suspicious look. "You were all over me the other day about making a mistake and never trusting me again."

Sheppard shrugged. "That'll still take some time, but mostly I'm pissed that you had to be dragged out of there by the short hairs, Rodney. You could have gotten both of us killed. It was the stupidest thing I've ever seen you do." Carson could still see the embers of anger in Sheppard's eyes.

"Yes," Rodney grumbled. "Thank you for the reminder."

Carson didn't want the colonel to leave Rodney at that point, so he picked up his tray. "Excuse me, lads." He looked at Rodney. "We can continue our conversation later if you like. I'll be home if you want to come by."

Rodney gave him a look of utter relief and gratitude. "Yeah, right. Later. Th-that'll be good. I'll see you later. At your place."

Smiling, Carson nodded. "Aye, at my place." He'd eat later. Right now he had to go home and straighten up his quarters a bit.

***

He hated being so nervous. Rodney hadn't decided he'd made a mistake. That meant everything would be all right, didn't it? Carson tidied up his rooms and set a candle burning in the bedroom, just in case. Not that he was certain, but he was hopeful.

They'd probably be a while talking. Carson knew how much Rodney needed to spend time with the colonel right now. That meant it might be quite some time before he got to Carson's flat, though. With a sigh, Carson walked over to the balcony door. It was near sunset and the sky was cloudy. Most of the past week had been rain -- nothing like the horrible storm last year, but still. He stared out at the sky, taking in the swirls of grey and red amid the darkening blues.

It reflected his own fears and hopes, he thought. After all this time, discovering he was in love with Rodney was surprising and a little unnerving. He still wasn't sure why he hadn't realized it sooner, why he hadn't seen it developing. There had been so many moments when it might have become apparent.

Usually he was in better touch with what he felt, particularly if it was something as immense as all that. Love? Not usually something that snuck up on him.

Then again, it wasn't something he'd felt all that often. Affection, certainly. He'd been involved with quite a few people over the years, but love had been rare and all too often short-lived. Closing his eyes, he leaned his forehead against the clear door. Living here, with all its potential for disaster, the last thing he wanted was a brief affair. He needed something more, something better than that. Something solid.

The door was cold beneath his palm and against his forehead. His heart was racing, uncontrollable in his anxiety. He wished the whole thing didn't mean so much to him. It was so much easier to just have an affair than to fall in love. There was so much less risk of being hurt and even failure didn't feel too bad when it was just a fling. But failing with love? That was something he didn't want to contemplate right now, just like Rodney dying was something he didn't ever want to face.

A tap on the door startled him from his reverie. Already? He hurried to the door to find Rodney standing in the corridor looking as nervous as Carson felt. Rodney gave a brief, crooked smile as he stepped inside. "Hey."

"Did it not go well with the colonel? I thought sure you'd talk longer." Carson laid a hand on Rodney's shoulder, concerned, guiding him over to the couch.

Rodney shrugged. "He had stuff to do, and I, ah... well, I kinda wanted to come here." The slight smile flashed again. Carson grinned back at him, his heart lightening.

"Oh, aye. That sounds good."

Rodney hesitated for a moment. "There's something I left unfinished last night." He took a breath and Carson stilled, nervous and light-headed with anticipation. Rodney stepped a little closer, shuffling awkwardly, then he tilted his head down and carefully kissed Carson. It was soft and tentative, almost experimental, but Carson reveled in it, eyes closed as his entire body tingled.

Their lips moved gently against each other and Carson hesitantly slipped an arm about Rodney's waist. Rodney sighed softly, opening his mouth slightly. Carson responded by moving closer, drawing Rodney into both arms and tracing Rodney's lower lip with his tongue. Rodney shivered.

"Do you like it?" Carson whispered against Rodney's lips. Rodney's arms slipped around Carson, pulling him close, body to body. Rodney made a soft noise and the tip of his tongue touched Carson's, shy and hesitant. Carson could feel Rodney's breath quickening between their lips.

Rodney's tongue was cool and Rodney was panting just a little, his breath coming quickly. Carson pressed his lips to Rodney's, gently slipping his tongue into Rodney's mouth. Rodney made a tiny sound and shivered against him, responding with a caress from his own tongue. It was slow and sweet and Carson moaned softly, aching with want.

Their tongues moved deeper, their bodies pressing closer, and Rodney whimpered in Carson's mouth. His fingers tightened in the cloth of Carson's shirt. Rodney's leg shifted, his thigh tucking between Carson's and Carson gasped at the feeling of Rodney's leg pressing into him. It was so good; Rodney's thigh right where he needed it, giving him a delicious feeling of pressure and some friction. He leaned into Rodney, trying not to be too aggressive but needing so badly.

The hard curve of Rodney's rising erection against his hip was hot and encouraging. "Like it," Rodney whispered, breaking their kiss for a moment. "Like it a lot."

With a smile, Carson returned the kiss, shifting a hand down Rodney's body to cup one cheek. He sighed at how good it felt in his hand and Rodney pressed tighter against him with a growl. Carson responded with a strangled, feral sound of his own and the kiss turned frantic.

Rodney pulled back, panting. "H-how does this work?" he asked. There was a shadow of worry in his eyes, but his body told Carson how much he wanted to do this.

Carson took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to steady himself. "Any way you want it to," he said. His voice was a little shaky from the intensity of his desire. "But we could, ah, get more comfortable in the bedroom if you like?"

Rodney blinked. "I-I don't know about that--"

"It doesn't have to be anything you don't want it to be," Carson added hastily. "We can just lie down there, kiss some more, just some touching. That's all it has to be if that's all you want."

Rodney's expression lightened. "Yeah, okay. I can do that. Touching." He ground himself against Carson's hip. "Touching is good." He smiled.

Carson grinned and kissed Rodney's throat. Rodney tilted his head back. "You just want to get into my pants, don't you?" His voice held tinges of both amusement and unease.

"Of course," Carson admitted, his lips moving on Rodney's skin. "But I'd prefer to get into your pants more than once, so we'll take it at your pace. I don't want you running away because we went further than you wanted."

Rodney laughed. "At least you're honest!" He slid his hands up into Carson's hair and dragged him into a heavy kiss that left Carson completely breathless.

Panting, they parted and gazed at each other for a long moment. Rodney looked half-debauched already, eyes wide, the hint of a smile on his face. Carson took his hand and led him into the bedroom. Rodney looked around, taking in the lit candle and the turned down covers. He looked at Carson with narrowed eyes. "Optimist."

Carson chuckled. "True." Sitting on the bed, he patted the mattress next to him. "Have a seat? Unless you want me to kiss you from here." He leaned in and nuzzled Rodney's belly.

"Aim a little lower and we'll talk about it," Rodney grumbled. Carson snorted and tugged Rodney down to sit on the bed with him.

"I thought you weren't sure you wanted to move that fast." He gave Rodney a serious look.

Rodney glanced away, not meeting Carson's eyes. "Actually, I'm not. Just nervous."

"It's all right." Carson reached up and caressed Rodney's cheek gently. He tilted his head and kissed where his fingers had passed, then lay back on the bed. He gestured and Rodney lay next to him, anxiety written on his face. "It's all right," Carson repeated, slipping an arm about Rodney's waist and pulling them a little closer together. He kissed Rodney's lips slowly until Rodney began to relax and return the kiss.

"This really does feel good," Rodney said quietly, nuzzling Carson's face. "I guess I wasn't expecting that."

"Well, what were you expecting?"

"Not sure." Rodney's eyes met his again.

"This is about more than sex, you know." Carson knew talking about it was a risk, but he didn't want to try this under false pretenses either. Rodney nodded.

"I, ah, I know." He shifted uneasily in Carson's arms.

"Is that a problem?"

Rodney shook his head. "No. No, it's not." He sighed. Closing his eyes, he said, "I'm just afraid of losing everything right now." Carson could hear how hard the admission was.

"Do you think you're going to lose me if we don't do this?" Carson asked, worried.

"I'm no good at this." Rodney rolled onto his back. Carson sat on the bed, legs crossed, and rested one hand on Rodney's chest.

"I'm your friend, Rodney." He could feel Rodney's heart beating under his palm, quick and nervous, fast as a bird's. "This hasn't got anything to do with what's happening outside of this room. This is about us being attracted to each other, that's all. I know you feel it; you've said as much."

Rodney nodded and opened his eyes, turning his head to look up at Carson. "Most of my relationships have been disasters."

"I'm betting the disasters haven't been your friend for a year and more first." More likely, Carson thought, they were haphazard and relatively random.

Rodney's eyes narrowed. "I've never had that many friends to begin with. I still don't."

"Well, you already know I like you. And you know I can take all the crap you dish out, as well." He smiled, thinking of Rodney's sharp wit and his dry humor. "Do you think this'll be all that much harder if we decide to be together?"

"I have no idea," Rodney admitted. "I just don't want to fuck things up." He laid one hand over Carson's, their fingers twining together. Carson gave Rodney's hand a reassuring squeeze.

"You're over-thinking this, like everything else you do."

Rodney glared. "Thinking is all I can count on."

Carson sighed. "Rodney, you're more than a brain on legs, okay? This place, it'll make monsters of all of us if we don't remember we're human. To do that, we need to care for each other, even when we make mistakes." Mistakes like Hoff. Mistakes like Doranda.

Rodney stared at him, still holding his hand. "Why did you come over the other night?"

Carson hesitated for a moment before he answered. "I couldn't sleep," he said at last. "I kept having nightmares of you dying." He could feel Rodney's pulse speed up.

"Dying."

Carson nodded. "Every bloody time you've nearly died and all I could do was watch and try to pick up the pieces." His voice was soft with the admission.

"Carson --" Rodney looked confused and uneasy.

"I love you, you stupid git," Carson murmured. "God alone knows why, and I only realized it that night. So now you know, and whatever happens from here is up to you."

"That's -- Carson, how am I supposed to react to that? I mean, really?" Rodney sounded afraid now and Carson wasn't sure how to handle it. He didn't let go of Carson's hand and Carson could feel Rodney's palm starting to sweat.

He closed his eyes. Maybe not looking at Rodney would help. "If you want to, you can get up and walk away, but I'd really rather you stayed." His chest was tight with anxiety, his own heart pounding in his ears.

Rodney tugged at his hand and Carson let him take it. A moment later, soft lips touched the center of his palm. He opened his eyes and watched as Rodney kissed it gently. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"Aye." The tickle of Rodney's breath in the cup of his palm sent shivers up his arm and down his spine. His entire body tingled. "Very."

"Nobody's ever ..." The sadness in Rodney's voice was heartbreaking and Carson wanted nothing more than to take that hurt away.

"Someone does now." The anxiety he'd been feeling melted away as the expression on Rodney's face softened. "I worry for you every time you go offworld." Rodney kissed Carson's palm again, more slowly this time, letting the tip of his tongue trace patterns in the hollow of it, and Carson's breath caught. It was so incredibly sensual, and the arousal he'd felt when Rodney first kissed him returned full force.

"Come here." Rodney pulled at his hand and Carson lay down next to him. As Carson settled, Rodney put an arm around him and pulled him close. "I, ah, I have no idea what I'm doing here, okay? But that doesn't mean I don't want to, to ... whatever." He gave a crooked half-smile. Carson just let it all soak in: the closeness, the warmth, even a bit of giddiness. "Maybe you're right and I do think too much."

Carson pulled Rodney atop him as he rolled onto his back. The solid weight of him was comforting and it felt so right. He wrapped Rodney in his arms and let them rest about Rodney's waist. Rodney tucked himself between Carson's thighs. It was wonderful. He held Rodney's gaze in the flickering candlelight. "Kiss me," he whispered, his voice rough.

Rodney made a soft, hungry sound and took Carson's mouth eagerly. Carson relaxed into it, letting Rodney have his way. His kisses were powerful and passionate and Carson reveled in the sensation, their bodies moving together gently, holding each other close. It was so good like this, so much of what Carson needed right now, and Rodney's mouth was hot and wet and his tongue swirled, exploring excitedly.

Rodney's hands explored as well, measuring Carson's sides, up along his arms, down to his hips. Careful fingers mapped Carson's form, leaving tingling traces behind in their slow progress. Each kiss blended into the next, punctuated only by quiet sounds of need and desire. It seemed timeless and Carson breathed with the rhythm of it, awash in their mutual arousal. Rodney was hard against him and Carson's own erection was aching, pressed between their bodies. He'd not felt so good in a very long time.

"Take off your shirt?" Carson asked as Rodney came up for breath. He tugged at the hem. Rodney nodded and leaned up so Carson could help him remove it. As Rodney tossed it to the side, Carson let himself touch Rodney's bare chest, palms and fingertips caressing gently. Rodney gasped, a soft, quiet sound, his eyes closing as a look of pleasure spread across his face.

"Yeah," Rodney whispered.

Carson tugged at him, encouraging him to move up. "Up here," he said. When Rodney finally got the clue, Carson pulled him down just a little closer, taking one taut nipple into his mouth.

Rodney moaned quietly, his head tipping back, fingers tightening in the sheet next to Carson's head. "Oh, yeah. Like that." His cock twitched against Carson's belly and Carson smiled.

"Sensitive." Carson blew on Rodney's hot, damp nipple and watched it tighten and peak. Rodney shivered.

"Torturer." Rodney looked down at him through half-closed eyes. He sounded utterly unconvinced. Carson grinned and took one nipple between his fingers, squeezing slowly. Rodney gasped aloud as Carson squeezed harder, grinding his hips against Carson's body.

"I see you like that." He took Rodney's other nipple into his mouth and pinched with his teeth as he kept the pressure on with his fingers.

"Oh, yeah," Rodney groaned. "Yeah."

Carson grinned and returned his attention to Rodney's nipples. They'd always been rather disconcerting, poking up like that at meetings and during exams, but at the moment he enjoyed the feel of them between his lips and his fingers. Rodney made obscene noises as Carson sucked and teased at them, rocking into him with slow but growing intensity. His other hand caressed Rodney's body, teasing and exploring gently, taking in the rising bumps on Rodney's skin as he gasped in his pleasure.

"That's, that's so good, Carson," Rodney panted. "Feels so good."

He didn't let go of Rodney's nipple, but Carson let himself map Rodney's chest with his lips and tongue, delighting in the way Rodney felt against his body. "Please," Rodney gasped, "please, I just--" He moved down Carson's body and kissed him hard, lips and tongue and teeth rough on Carson's mouth. It was almost overwhelming and he clung to Rodney, both of them thrusting against each other.

A few moments later, Rodney had calmed down a bit and he leaned up, panting, looking into Carson's eyes. "You -- that's -- wow."

Carson smiled, raising a hand to Rodney's face and caressing his rough cheek. "That was lovely, Rodney." He brushed his thumb over Rodney's lower lip. "It feels so good to have you here. You're really enjoying this, aren't you?"

Rodney grinned, his eyes bright in the candlelight. "Oh, yeah. Definitely." He tugged at Carson's shirt. "I detect some inequity here, though. Lose the shirt."

Carson laughed and arched his back so that Rodney could tug at the cloth. With a bit of a wriggle they managed to get it off him without damaging anyone too much. A quick head bump was the only casualty and Rodney only made a little annoyed sound rather than launching into a full-fledged complaint.

His chest now bared, Carson looked up at Rodney, who shifted his legs to straddle Carson and lean back. He was looking at Carson as though he'd never seen him before, eyes wide, his pupils dark. "You're ... you really are hot, Carson," he said softly. One hand moved gently down the middle of Carson's chest, fingertips touching hesitantly. Carson sighed, feeling happy and content.

Rodney's fingers trailed slowly down Carson's belly and Carson shifted so that his arms propped his head. "You can touch all you like," he said quietly. Rodney's fingers tickled slightly and he shivered.

"What's it like?" Rodney asked, his eyes following the motion of his fingertips as they moved slowly toward the waistband of Carson's trousers.

"What's what like?"

Rodney looked back up at him, meeting his eyes for just a moment. "Um, sex. With guys." The nervous twinge in his voice was back.

"Like this," Carson told him. "Just like this. What we're doing, this is as much a part of it as anything." He reached up and touched Rodney's lips with one fingertip. The tip of Rodney's tongue touched it hesitantly. It sent a tingle down Carson's spine. "There's nothing about it to be frightened of, Rodney."

Rodney met his eyes again then looked down at Carson's hand. Slowly, he let Carson's finger slip into his mouth and Carson shivered. "Lovely," Carson whispered, his cock responding as his finger disappeared into Rodney's mouth, deep and wet. "That feels just lovely."

Rodney smiled around his finger and started playing with it with his tongue.

Carson gave a soft gasp as Rodney teased. "I'd love to suck you," Carson whispered. "Take your cock in my mouth and play with it."

Rodney's eyes closed and he groaned, sucking harder on Carson's finger. "That's what it's like, you know," Carson continued, his voice soft and gentle. "Like that, but the skin is softer and it's thicker." He was practically purring now and Rodney shuddered, teasing with his tongue again. "It feels wonderful in my mouth," he said, "all hot and hard, with that slick head." God, he wanted to taste it.

Rodney pulled back with a gasp, looking down at Carson with half-open eyes. "You're gonna kill me," he panted. Carson reached up and ran his thumb over one of Rodney's nipples and Rodney shuddered. "Oh, fuck. Totally gonna kill me."

The look on Rodney's face was indescribable. There was pleasure there and need and desire and a little bit of fear underneath it all. "I want you so much," Carson whispered. He slid his hand around Rodney's shoulder and pulled him back down into a gentle kiss, both of them melting together, arms around each other. It was bliss.

They held each other, kissing, for a small eternity. Lips and skin were Carson's universe and the warmth of Rodney's body on his was a delight and a comfort. When Rodney came up for air, he gave Carson a curious look. "I'd like to see you. Um, naked." One side of his mouth went up in a nervous twitch of a smile.

Carson nodded. "All right." Rodney got up off him and started tugging at Carson's laces, pulling his boots off as Carson unzipped and tucked out of his trousers and pants. A moment later he was naked and Rodney sat next to him, just looking. Carson watched Rodney's eyes move languidly up and down, fixing on Carson's erection. Slowly, Rodney reached out and touched softly with his fingertips. Carson shivered. "That's nice," he whispered. Rodney looked back up at his face.

"You look really good." Rodney's voice was hushed and husky. His fingers moved gently along the line of Carson's cock and Carson closed his eyes, focusing on not coming right then and there.

"I like that," Carson whispered, lifting his hips into Rodney's touch. "Please, I'd like more."

Rodney's hand moved hesitantly, cupping Carson, taking Carson's length in his palm and beginning to stroke slowly. "Like this?"

Carson groaned, "Oh, yeah." His fingers curled into the bedspread. He arched slowly into Rodney's hand.

"I think I like what that's doing to you." He could hear the grin in Rodney's voice. Carson opened his eyes to see Rodney watching as his hand moved, stroking Carson's cock. Carson tried to steady his breathing.

Rodney leaned down, kissing Carson's chest and moving carefully down toward Carson's belly, exploring with lips and tongue. Carson's heart was thundering and he wondered if Rodney could hear it too. He reached up and caressed Rodney's head and neck, gently encouraging without demanding anything. It was like a fantasy come true. "That's lovely," Carson breathed. "Just lovely."

He waited, breathless, while Rodney's mouth moved on his body, hand still stroking Carson's length gently. Rodney squeezed and Carson gasped. Rodney chuckled. "You really like that."

Carson tried to glare down at him but he was feeling too good. "Wouldn't you?"

Rodney looked up at him, head tilted. "There's an idea." He grinned wickedly.

Carson grabbed Rodney's trousers by the waistband. "Off!" he demanded, his heart speeding frantically.

Rodney's eyes narrowed, his grin sharpening. "Patience." His hand tightened around Carson's cock again and he stroked harder.

"Bastard!" Carson tugged at Rodney's trousers again, gasping.

Rodney leaned down and placed a soft, delicate kiss below the head of Carson's cock. Carson groaned aloud, shuddering. Rodney looked back up at him. "Yeah, I think I really like this."

"Bloody cock tease," Carson growled. He tugged Rodney's waistband, dragging him a little closer, and popped the button open then tugged the zip down. Rodney's breath was coming more quickly now too.

The tip of Rodney's tongue ran from under the head of Carson's cock to Rodney's fist and Carson gasped again. "You were right. The skin is all soft." There was a rough, aroused undertone in Rodney's voice and the warmth of his breath tickled along Carson's skin. "You smell good." His thumb slid up and swirled over the tip of Carson's cock, playing with his foreskin.

"Oh, god, Rodney, you'll kill me." Desperately, Carson pulled at Rodney's trousers, dragging them down Rodney's hips. He rolled a little to one side and shoved Rodney over then dragged his pants down as well, letting Rodney's thick, hard cock spring up before him. Rodney laughed, sounding delighted.

Rodney stopped laughing when Carson rolled on top of him and sucked his cock down. Rodney's groan shivered through Carson as Rodney's hips bucked up, thrusting into Carson's mouth. He took it in deep, reveling in the feel of Rodney's thick shaft between his lips, the taste of Rodney's precome slick on his tongue, the scent of his arousal dark and hot. Rodney might be a tease, but Carson was going to give him the best blowjob he'd ever had.

He held Rodney down, hands on his hips, and used every trick he knew. It felt fantastic and Rodney groaned and howled under him, clutching at his arse and kissing and nipping at Carson's hips and stomach. One long brush of Rodney's tongue along the underside of Carson's shaft and he was coming, still sucking Rodney's cock madly.

He wanted this -- wanted everything. Rodney was hot and sweating and thrusting against Carson's hands and deep into his mouth and Carson's world narrowed down to scent and soft skin and thick heat against his tongue as Rodney cried out wordlessly, coming hard. He kept sucking, licking, taking all of it in, not resting until Rodney had collapsed, trembling, beneath him, his body limp and gasping.

With a quiet, content sigh, Carson rolled off him and turned so they were face to face. With a soft kiss, he took Rodney into his arms, both of them lying there panting and exhausted.

"Whee." Rodney's voice was a soft squeak. Carson laughed gently, nuzzling his neck, sticky with Carson's come.

"Thank you," Carson whispered. "That was wonderful."

"Amazing," Rodney murmured. "Wow." He shuffled a little closer to Carson, legs still tangled in his trousers. "I have no brain cells left."

Carson's breathing calmed slowly as they lay there in each other's arms. "Will you stay tonight?" He kissed Rodney's cheek.

Rodney nodded. "Yeah," he whispered. "I'd like that. I'd like that a lot."

Carson grinned, his heart near to bursting with delight. "Let's finish getting you undressed and cleaned up then. Come to bed."

***

The rain was still coming down as Carson seated himself out on the balcony for his break. At least it was covered and the wind wasn't blowing the water into the sheltered area. He needed to get outside for a while.

He put his feet up on the railing, tucking his hands behind his head as he looked up at the mottled sky. It reminded him of Scotland and he felt a twinge of homesickness, quickly suppressed. Taking a deep breath, he let himself relax. The afternoon had been a long one so far, with too much time spent bent over a microscope. He was feeling a little bit of a tension headache from it so the break was welcome.

The weather felt autumnal, but there was no crisp scent of turning leaves, only the strange sweet-salt of Lantea's alien ocean on the wind. Carson's back unkinked as he relaxed into the chair -- he could hear it clicking and shifting as his spine straightened.

Rodney had been awkward this morning, but not sorry for their night together. It was a relief, as Carson had been concerned he might have morning-after regrets. He smiled at the memory of Rodney waking up next to him, warm and wanting to cuddle before he was entirely conscious. It felt good to wake next to someone for a change. He'd missed that feeling badly even though the bed was a bit small for two grown men.

Carson considered Rodney's situation, wondering how he could help smooth things over with Elizabeth, the colonel, and Radek. All of them had good cause to be angry with Rodney but Carson hoped it wouldn't last too long. No one was really treating Rodney very well right now, but they were the three most affected and the three most actively angry with him. At least Sheppard and Elizabeth had made some gestures toward repairing the rift. Carson hadn't heard anything about Radek at all in the past couple of days except that he was still staying away from Rodney.

He knew Radek frequented this balcony on his breaks. It was much nearer the astrophysics lab than the infirmary and Carson had chosen it deliberately. After Carson had been sitting for about ten minutes, Melissa Simpson came out, leaning on the railing. "Hey, doc."

"Melissa." He smiled up at her. "Are things settling down in the labs any?"

The serious blonde smiled wryly and shrugged. "Radek's still avoiding McKay. It's getting ridiculous. Zelenka literally ran out of the room this morning when McKay got in." She tilted her head. "But you know, aside from that McKay was looking pretty smug this morning, come to think of it. If I didn't know better, I'd think he got laid." She snorted, obviously not willing to believe that.

Carson blushed and looked away from her for a moment but didn't otherwise react. "I'm sorry Radek's still not willing to talk to him. It's no good for anyone. They've been friends most of the past year."

"As much as anybody is McKay's friend, yeah." She sighed. "I mean I totally understand why Radek's angry with him. Anybody in their right mind would be. I can't believe McKay was that much of an asshole to him. There was no call for it. But you know, the rest of us have to work around them and if they're being jerks to each other it just makes everyone's job harder."

Carson shook his head and looked back up at her. "Perhaps I should speak with them," he said. She didn't appear to have noticed his blush, thank god, or maybe she attributed it to the cold.

She nodded. "I wish you would. Radek might actually listen to you. I have no idea how you manage to cope with McKay so well, either. I'm glad you do, though. Makes it easier for the rest of us."

He shifted a little in his seat and scratched at an itch on his knee. "I've known Rodney for a long time," he said. "I guess I just got used to him. He's really hurting over this and trying to hide it. He knows he messed up and he's trying to set things right. He can't if Radek won't even stay in the same room with him, though."

"Yeah." Melissa looked thoughtful. "I'll try talking to Radek too, for what good it'll do. McKay's scary when he's quiet like that. Makes me think something's about to explode."

"He's been quiet at work?" That was certainly a matter for concern. He stretched and got to his feet, a little chill now in the wind. "That doesn't sound good." Carson wondered if he should look for Rodney.

"I think it'll be okay," Melissa said. "I suspect Radek's more hurt than anything. Like you said, they've been friends, and that was a really nasty thing to say even if they weren't. Jeez, thinking Radek cared more about his ego than somebody else's life? That's just too much." Her face darkened. "There are moments when I think McKay might do that, but I've also seen him when the chips are down and I know he's not really like that at all. It's just so easy to lose sight of it when he's being an asshole, you know?"

"Aye," Carson agreed with a sad sigh. "He does have a tendency to bury the better side of his nature pretty deeply."

"Look, I'll talk to Radek when I get in from my break. Maybe you can talk to both of them later today, see if they can work something out." Melissa shivered a little. "It's colder out this afternoon than I thought. I probably should just head inside."

"I need to head back to work myself," Carson said. He was getting a bit chilly too, really. And if other people were willing to talk to Radek about the situation, he didn't feel like he was being too manipulative in trying to smooth the waters. It would benefit everyone, not just Rodney. That eased his mind a bit.

"Catch you later then," Melissa said with a wave, and they both headed inside.

***

Carson managed to catch up with Radek early that evening. Radek was reluctant to spend more than five minutes on it, only saying that Simpson had approached him about it as well and he wasn't ready to forgive Rodney so easily. There was little Carson could add to that, so he didn't try. Radek could be just as stubborn as Rodney when he wanted to. Both of them were pig-headed idiots some days. Carson was glad he was only in love with one of them; life would be entirely too complicated if he were attracted to the little Czech too. Rodney and Radek had more in common than they liked to think.

He hadn't seen Rodney at dinner. Carson doubted Rodney was avoiding him. It had been a busy day in the lab his first day back, he knew. Rodney might even still be at work, knowing him. Carson headed for the little Atlantis lending library to look for a new novel. He'd spent entirely too much time today bent over a microscope and he needed a little distraction.

There wasn't much of a selection when he got there. The newer books brought in on the _Daedalus_ were already gone. He really should have expected that. Some of the crew would do anything for new reading material, including writing it themselves in the few minutes they could eke out between long shifts and emergencies. He'd actually read a couple of the amateur attempts at one point out of sheer desperation. For all the overly-educated people in Atlantis, they were a really crappy bunch of writers when it came to fiction. Disappointed, he headed back to his flat empty handed.

Rodney was tapping on his door when he got there. "Oh, Carson," Rodney said, startled, as Carson stepped up beside him. He looked tired and upset. "I thought you were here."

"I am now." He opened his door and gestured Rodney in, following him inside and closing the door behind them. "Looks like you've not had a good day."

"No." Rodney shook his head sadly. "Radek still won't even be in the same room with me." He let out a rough sigh and sank down on Carson's couch, staring at the floor, his elbows resting on his knees. His shoulders sagged with fatigue.

"Melissa Simpson said she'd talk to him. I tried to. He's not ready to do anything yet. You know how stubborn he can be." 'Like you,' Carson thought.

"Yeah, he chased her out of his office this afternoon," Rodney said. He looked up at Carson. "Sheppard had lunch with me, at least." He sounded vaguely hopeful over that. "He didn't have much to say, though."

Carson shook his head and sat down next to Rodney, resting a hand on his thigh. "It's all just going to take time. We can't make them hurry on this."

Rodney laid his hand over Carson's, his fingers moving gently, caressing it. "You, ah... were you serious last night when you said you wanted this to be more than, well, one night?" His voice was quiet and tentative.

"I'm quite serious about it." Carson leaned over and kissed his cheek. Rodney met Carson's eyes uneasily.

"I was thinking about it a lot today." He didn't move to kiss Carson back. His hand closed around Carson's. "I liked last night." He paused nervously. "I liked it a lot, actually. More than I thought I would." Rodney's brow wrinkled. "I mean, I never really thought a lot about it before, but I guess I never quite imagined it being like that."

Carson smiled softly, encouraged. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"What's going to happen if people find out?" Rodney's face tightened, anxious.

"Probably nothing." Carson waved a dismissive hand. "It seems like people would be more upset about you blowing up most of a solar system. I doubt they're going to be too bothered if they find out we're sleeping together. If they've not done any violence to you over the one, there's not likely to be any over the other."

Rodney's expression shifted, nonplussed. "Okay, point." His eyes lightened a little and he cracked a tiny, hopeful smile. "I was... can I maybe stay tonight?"

Carson grinned. "Of course, love." He leaned in again and kissed Rodney, who responded this time with a gentle meeting of mouths and a soft sound of pleasure and relief.

"Thanks. I really wasn't feeling up to being by myself tonight, you know?" Rodney stayed close, their noses touching as he spoke.

"It's all right," Carson whispered. "Tired?"

Rodney nodded. "Yeah. Completely wiped." He kissed Carson again, his thumb caressing Carson's hand.

"I'd been thinking of reading, but we could go to bed if you're tired, then." Carson took Rodney's cheek in one hand, letting his thumb brush the rough whiskers there. "I had a long day myself."

"Um, is it okay if we, ah, don't ... you know?" Rodney asked nervously.

With a soft chuckle, Carson nodded. "Aye, it's fine. It'll be lovely just to have you here. It was so comfortable to have you in bed with me last night." Rodney smiled at last and took Carson in his arms, hugging him tightly.

"I, yeah, me too." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It's been a long time since I was that comfortable sharing a bed with anybody." Rodney spoke softly. "Actually, maybe never." He lifted his head and looked into Carson's eyes again. "I should be more freaked out about this."

"Why?" Carson stood, tugging Rodney up by his hand. Rodney got up and followed in him into the bedroom.

"My whole life just changed. Don't you think I should be more freaked out?" Rodney asked earnestly.

Carson turned down the covers of the bed and started unbuttoning his shirt. "No. I think it's been there for a long time and maybe it's a relief for you instead of a crisis. Besides, you've got larger things on your mind right now."

Rodney stared at him. "Larger than being... not straight anymore?"

"Five sixths of a solar system."

His face fell. "Okay, yeah. Not the in the same territory, but bigger than not being straight. Definitely."

"Rodney." Carson reached out and caressed his shoulder. "Rodney, I didn't say that to upset you. I just wanted you to put it in perspective." He smiled. "Personally, I'm very pleased you're not straight, because otherwise you wouldn't be sharing a bed with me tonight and it's something I'm quite looking forward to."

Rodney relaxed, nodding. He began undressing as well. "It's just different than dealing with women. I can never tell what they want."

"Human beings are all puzzling, Rodney. But I'll always do my best to let you know what I want, all right?" Carson tugged his shirt off and sat to untie his boots.

"Good, good." Rodney kicked his own boots off and stripped down quickly, slipping under the covers before Carson was entirely done. He ran a hand gently down Carson's spine. "I can't believe this is really happening," he whispered.

Finally undressed, Carson got in next to Rodney and took him in his arms, thinking the light off. "I'm glad it is." He kissed Rodney's lips. "Go to sleep." He smiled as Rodney settled down with him, warm and comfortable.

"Night." Rodney's voice was soft in the darkness.

"Goodnight, love." Carson sighed happily and snuggled up with his lover, drifting slowly into sleep.

***

He finally caught up with Radek in the mess at breakfast two days later. Rodney had left early that morning, having an offworld mission to deal with. It was the first one since Doranda and the first since Elizabeth had officially put him back on duty. Carson had been relieved, but this was just good luck.

"Radek." He smiled as he set his tray down and sat opposite the Czech.

Radek looked up and nodded. "Good morning, Carson."

"How are you doing?" Carson took a long sip of his morning tea.

Radek shrugged. "Well enough, I suppose. Glad that Rodney will be offworld today."

Carson couldn't help the frown that curved his lips. "I know you've been angry with him, but hasn't this gone far enough, now?"

"I did not want to strangle him." Radek ate another bite of his eggs. "It was easier not to be in the same room with him."

"He really does feel terrible about what he did and the things he said." Carson leaned on one elbow, watching Radek's face.

"I know." Radek looked up and sighed. "He has sent me six emails already, you know. They are all 'please, Radek, can you just talk to me.' It's pathetic."

Carson raised an eyebrow. "Has he now?"

Radek nodded. " _Ano_. Perhaps when he comes back from this mission I will be calm enough to talk to him without hitting him."

"I hope so," Carson said softly. "I wish I knew why he did it in the first place." The whole incident had worried Carson deeply.

"Because he wanted a weapon against the Wraith," Radek said. "And if he had not been so blinded by that desire, there would have been no problem. Rodney just --" Radek let out an exasperated sigh. "Rodney sometimes does not think. He has produced miracles so often that he thought it was impossible for him to fail, and that is just not how the world works."

"Even the Ancients abandoned the project." Carson's shoulders were tight with tension again, not wanting to think how close they'd come to losing Rodney.

"Exactly. This should have been our first clue." Radek growled a little as he stabbed his fork into his eggs.

"Elizabeth--"

Radek talked right over him. "But no, Rodney believes he is more brilliant than the Ancients. Rodney believes he can do no wrong. Rodney believes he is perfect and the rest of us are not fit to sweep the dust beneath his feet!" People's heads turned as Radek's voice rose.

Carson put out a hand, arresting Radek's fork in mid-flail. "That's not true. He knows damned well what he did on Doranda and how badly he messed up with you. He's trying, Radek, more than I'd even realized if he's been sending you those emails."

Radek glared at him. "The system was lifeless. Dead, broken ships in orbit. No evidence of Wraith culling. How could he -- how could _we_ have missed the significance of that?" He slammed his fist on the table. "I tried so hard, Carson! I tried to get him to understand that he was wrong -- that the Ancients were wrong and we could not fix it! They abandoned Doranda for a reason, and it was not just to avoid a siege."

"Radek--"

Radek's face clouded. "I did not want him to die," he whispered.

Carson nodded, relaxing again. "And that's what this was all about."

"Yes." Radek looked down at the table. "Much as I want to strangle him, he is my friend, and he terrified me that day." Raising his face, Radek looked at Carson. "I do not know how to handle that. I don't want his job. We work together like we share one brain some days -- how could I lose that?"

"I heard about what he said to you." Carson picked up his teacup again, watching Radek's face.

"I could not believe my ears." Radek sighed sadly. "I do not for an instant believe he really meant it. He was so ... the project possessed him like nothing else I have ever seen. It will not happen again; this much I know. But it still hurts."

"I know," Carson said, nodding. "I'm sorry."

"You're right. This has gone on long enough." Radek set his fork down. "When he comes home I will talk to him. I cannot guarantee I will not lose my temper, though."

"Fair enough." Carson smiled a little. At least there was some chance things would settle back to what passed for normal soon.

"He will owe me immense favors," Radek said, his voice picking up an edge of humor. "Many immense favors."

Carson laughed.

***

Rodney was gone for three days and Carson fretted every moment of it. When he finally returned, exhausted and footsore, he smiled as Carson conducted his post-mission exam. "I think it's gonna be okay with Sheppard," he said, hope in his eyes.

"I'm glad to hear that. Radek said he'd talk with you as well, when you got home." Rodney's smile broadened.

"Oh, good."

"He may yell at you." Carson smiled back, warmed by the sight.

Rodney sighed and twitched as Carson peered into his ear. "Don't poke it in so far. I swear you're going to puncture my eardrum with that thing." He didn't move to stop Carson, though.

"I've never punctured anyone's eardrum," Carson grumbled, relieved that Rodney was finally home and seemed all in one piece.

"Radek probably _should_ yell at me, and there's a first time for everything," Rodney muttered back.

"Just don't yell back," Carson advised. "I doubt he'd take it well."

Rodney sighed as Carson finished up the exam and made sure the samples were all labeled. "Hadn't been planning on it. I'm just hoping he doesn't have his office door booby-trapped for me or something. I had more than enough of that in the past three days -- I don't need my own second plotting my demise."

"He's not plotting your demise, Rodney," Carson responded. "If anything, he's pleased not to have your job because you vaporized yourself."

"I still think it's some sneaky eastern European thing. He's probably been printing _samizdat_ in my absence, advocating my overthrow." Rodney got up and started putting his clothes back on.

Carson laughed. "You'll find no such thing! Now off with you -- I have two more exams to do before your debriefing." He gave Rodney a peck on the cheek before he left him to finish dressing. Rodney beamed at him and reached out, grabbing Carson's wrist. Tugging him close, he kissed Carson full on the mouth.

"Still as good as I remembered," Rodney murmured, grinning.

"I'll see you tonight," Carson told him, drawing the privacy curtains around Rodney as he left to deal with Ronon Dex. He sighed happily. Things were definitely looking up.

***

Rodney showed up at his door that night with a bottle of wine in his hand, looking rough. "I take it Radek took the piss out of you," Carson said, letting him in.

"Yeah," Rodney said, nodding. "I deserved it. I'm all for getting drunk and fucking. I'd like to be able to forget the whole thing."

Carson raised an eyebrow. "Rodney?" The abruptness of it all surprised him. He'd rather been looking forward to a leisurely seduction tonight. This wasn't quite what he'd imagined.

Rodney walked over to Carson's table and set the bottle down. "There's not enough here for a repeat of last time. Relax. I'm never getting that drunk again." He glowered.

"I'd really prefer if you didn't get drunk at all tonight," Carson said. "We can do whatever you'd like, but I'd rather take your mind off it without the alcohol." He went over and took Rodney's hand gently. "There are a lot of ways we could do that."

Rodney looked at Carson, down at the wine bottle on the table, and back up at Carson. "Maybe you're right," he said, sighing. "I just thought maybe it would make it a little easier for me if I was relaxed when you, um ..." He took a quick, deep breath. "Well, I was kind of hoping you'd fuck me."

Carson blinked. "Really?" That was more than a little bit of a surprise. "Why?"

"You don't want to?" Rodney gave him a curious, disappointed look.

"That's not it. It's just that you've never done it before, so I was thinking it would probably be a while before you wanted to try." Carson squeezed his hand, trying to be reassuring.

Rodney shrugged. "I had three days to think about it offworld. Besides, I won't know if I like it unless I try it."

"Well, there's that." Carson pulled Rodney over to him, slipping an arm about him. "Is it all right if we take it slow this evening? I'd rather you enjoyed it."

Rodney smiled, taking Carson in his arms. Leaning into him, he rested his forehead against Carson's. "So would I. I didn't say we had to rush. I'm just curious."

"Fair enough." Carson nuzzled Rodney softly. "How about a shower? That's nice and relaxing and, to be honest, you're a wee bit ripe after three days offworld in a tent."

Rodney snorted. "Yeah, I can do that." He kissed Carson, slow and gentle.

"I worried about you while you were gone." They didn't move, just standing there, holding each other.

"I know." Rodney gave him a squeeze. He smiled again, some of the tension starting to leave him finally. "I'm glad to be back. I could have done without Radek going ballistic on me, but I expected that, too." He shrugged. "The man's an extortionist, I swear."

Carson chuckled. "Come on, let's get you under the water."

"He _was_ plotting," Rodney continued, "just not my overthrow. I swear, he intends to make sure I never see another chocolate in my life."

"No _samizdat_ , I take it," Carson said with a laugh.

"Nah. Just several unnamed favors and all the chocolate I can supply him with. He'll be running the black market inside a week." Rodney followed Carson into the bathroom, shedding clothes as he walked.

"I thought he already was?" Carson replied, stripping off his own kit. He got the water started, letting it warm before they got in. Pausing for a moment, he let himself have a long, assessing look at Rodney. There were some bruises but he was relatively unscathed after the mission -- a relief, certainly. He looked good, though. Carson smiled at the sight. He pulled two towels out of his linen cabinet.

Rodney sighed heavily as he got under the water. "I ache everywhere."

"I'm sorry," Carson said, following him in and snuggling up behind him, wrapping his arms around Rodney's body, still cool under the heat of the shower. "With a little luck and some hot water, we should be able to remedy a good bit of that."

"Mmm. Yeah. Looking forward to it." Rodney leaned back into Carson's embrace, relaxing and letting Carson take some of his weight. "You feel good."

Carson rested his chin on Rodney's shoulder as they stood under the falling water. "I'm so glad you're home," he said softly. "I missed you."

"Missed you too," Rodney murmured. "A lot." He sighed again and wrapped one arm over Carson's. "Your bed is way nicer than a tent." He tilted his head and kissed Carson's nose, which was about all he could reach from that angle. "Kept thinking about you when I wasn't running for my life."

"Rodney--" Carson's arms tightened around him, his heart speeding at the thought.

"It's okay," Rodney assured him. "I'm getting faster." He chuckled. "That, and Conan makes a great shield."

Carson snorted. "You're incorrigible." He reached out and grabbed the soap, rubbing it over Rodney's slick, wet chest. Rodney lent a hand and they spent the next ten minutes or so quietly washing each other, not bothering to speak. It was comforting and sensual, both of them slowly getting aroused by the brush of skin on skin, lubricated by soapsuds and falling water.

By the time they were done, Carson was fully hard, anticipating what was to come. Rodney pulled him into a slow, deep kiss that stole his breath, hands moving on each other's backs and buttocks. He let his fingers slip down between Rodney's cheeks and Rodney made quiet sounds of pleasure, not trying to pull away from the exploration at all. Carson moaned as Rodney pressed against him, his cock hard against Carson's body. It seemed he really did want this and Carson was more than willing to give him what he'd requested.

As they rinsed each other off under the spray, Rodney began kissing his way down Carson's chest, slow and measured. Carson leaned back against the shower wall and watched as Rodney, eyes closed, explored with lips and tongue and hands. He knew that when Rodney put his mind to something he was thorough about it. Carson was just a little surprised that sex with men was something his lover was approaching with the same intense focus. It seemed he might get his slow seduction after all.

He combed his fingers gently through Rodney's thin, wet hair, enjoying the sensations. Rodney's hands caressed his thighs, slipping between them, fingers tracing Carson's cheeks and his balls. Rodney on his knees before him was an intoxicating sight. He let out a soft, quiet breath, growing harder as Rodney's mouth moved closer to his cock. Rodney stopped here and there in his mapping, sucking gently at skin, licking his hip, weighing Carson's balls in his palm. Carson's heart was racing and he ached, hoping Rodney would take him in his mouth. He'd not been too shy about it the first time they were together, after all.

Rodney looked up for a moment, eyes half-closed against the falling water. "Is this okay?" He sounded uncertain.

"Oh, it's delightful," Carson purred. "I'm enjoying it very much." He smiled and Rodney grinned back at him.

"Good." He lowered his head again, nuzzling Carson's cock in a slow tease, the scratch of his cheek sending shivers up Carson's spine. "Something about the way you smell gets me really hot," Rodney murmured, taking a deep breath with his nose buried in Carson's pubic hair. Carson made a soft, helpless sound. Lord, what Rodney could do to him. "I'm getting so hard just kneeling here playing with you."

Carson gasped as Rodney slowly took the head of his cock and sucked it in. "Oh, lord." Carson's fingers tightened on Rodney's shoulders, gasping when the hot, slick tongue swirled around the head, leaving him weak in the knees. Rodney made a little growly noise and took Carson in deeper. Carson's head fell back, thudding against the wall he leaned on, and he moaned.

Rodney pulled back and said, "Oh, I like what that does to you." Carson wasn't looking but he could hear the smirk in Rodney's voice. He didn't care at all.

"Please," Carson whispered. He could feel it in his balls, up his spine, down his legs and into his toes. Rodney made a sound of pleasure and let Carson's cock sink deeper into his mouth this time. He sucked experimentally and Carson lost his breath entirely.

Rodney's chuckle around Carson's cock made him shiver. His fingers tightened in Rodney's hair. Rodney sucked him in deeper and Carson couldn't help how his hips moved to meet Rodney's mouth. Rodney backed off. "Easy." Rodney's hand pressed back against Carson's thigh, pushing him back against the wall again. "I haven't done this before. Give me a little time to get used to it."

"Sorry," Carson gasped, nodding. "Didn't mean to." He looked down at Rodney, offering an apology with his expression.

"It's okay." His hand caressed Carson's hip. "I'd have done it too." He gave Carson a crooked smile. This time when he leaned in to take Carson into his mouth, he let his weight rest against Carson's hip, pressing him to the wall and reminding him to stay still.

While it was obvious Rodney was inexperienced and experimenting, he was doing a good job. It took all of Carson's control not to thrust into the eagerly seeking mouth as Rodney's slick lips and tongue moved up and down his shaft. He was panting as he watched, his legs beginning to tremble slightly as he fought the urge to thrust. "That's lovely, Rodney," Carson said softly, one hand curled into a tight fist while he stroked his fingers through Rodney's hair. "You're doing a grand job, just grand. It feels wonderful."

Rodney made a happy sound, trying new things with his tongue and lips, keeping his teeth strictly away. Carson was glad for that. As the tip of Rodney's tongue pressed into the slit in the head of his cock, Carson groaned loudly. The flat of Rodney's tongue spread over it and he gave a long, deep caress as he slipped down Carson's shaft even further.

"Stop, gonna --" Carson tried to pull Rodney back before he came, but the stimulation was too much. He was fountaining into Rodney's mouth before he could stop himself and Rodney backed away, spitting out Carson's come.

"Sorry, wasn't expecting it," Rodney said, wiping his mouth with one wrist. He looked up at Carson with a worried expression.

Carson slid down the slick wall to sit between Rodney's knees and took Rodney's face in his hands. "No, love, it's my fault. I was trying to warn you." He pulled Rodney into a deep kiss. When he was done, they were both breathless. "There's no law anywhere that says you have to swallow, Rodney." He grinned at him. "That was lovely."

Rodney reached down and took his own straining cock in his hand. "Yeah, but now you're not going to fuck me." He gave Carson a lost-puppy look of disappointment.

Carson laughed. "I'm not _that_ old!" He teased the head of Rodney's cock with his thumb and Rodney shivered. "By the time you're ready for me, trust me -- I'll be ready for you!"

Rodney's eyes lit and he grinned back. "Good. Wouldn't want to have wasted it."

"Was that all right for you, then?" Carson asked. Some people just didn't like giving head, he knew. He quite enjoyed it himself, but if Rodney didn't, there were certainly any number of other things they could do.

Rodney nodded. "Yeah, actually. That was hot. I mean, the mouthful of come was a little sudden, but it wasn't nasty or anything." He was still smiling. Leaning in, he kissed Carson again. "I think I could get used to doing that."

Hearing that, Carson couldn't help himself. He reached around Rodney and tugged him down into his lap, holding him close. "That's just grand!" Rodney's legs tightened around him and he leaned forward a bit to let Rodney wrap him in his arms.

"You are amazing." Rodney's voice was soft and warm as the water fell on them. "This is amazing. I'm so glad we're doing this."

"So am I," Carson whispered into his ear. "Why don't we get out of the shower and take this to bed, hmm?"

Rodney nodded, breathless. "Oh, yeah." He got to his feet and offered Carson a hand up. Carson turned off the water and they toweled each other off, being silly about it and giggling as they teased each other.

They grappled and tickled and poked and swatted as they stumbled the short distance into the bedroom together. Laughing, they fell onto Carson's bed and he pinned Rodney under his weight. Breathless and still half-laughing, Carson took Rodney's mouth, pressing his tongue inside. Rodney lay back, surrendering to it entirely, his arms wrapped loosely around Carson's back. Finally, breathless, they came up for air.

"This is fantastic," Rodney panted. "Why didn't we ever do this before?" He traced Carson's cheekbone gently with one fingertip. Carson turned his head and took the end of Rodney's finger into his mouth, licking with just the tip of his tongue. Rodney's eyes closed and he sighed, smiling.

Carson pulled off Rodney's finger with a little sucking sound. "You didn't know you weren't straight. That didn't help much."

"Thanks, Doctor Obvious," Rodney grumbled. "It was a rhetorical question." Carson laughed. Rodney took Carson's face between his hands and nipped the tip of his nose. "Shut up."

"Right." Carson kissed him again, this time fierce and passionate, holding him tight. Rodney returned the passion, his kiss a blaze of intensity that met Carson's ardor and challenged it, deepened it, driving them together in a fiery embrace. He could feel Rodney moving under him, strong and powerful, as they tried to share the same space. He wanted this so much and Rodney felt so good beneath him. He could feel the hardness of Rodney's cock pressed between them and his own was beginning to respond to their mutual desire.

He gentled the kiss, his hands caressing Rodney's body. Rodney sighed happily as Carson kissed his way down Rodney's neck, sucking gently at his throat. "Feels good," Rodney mumbled. He lay under Carson, tucking his hands behind his head. "Just keep doing that."

Carson raised himself up a bit. "I can do a good bit more than that." He smiled as Rodney looked up at him. "And you did want to try bottoming, aye?"

"Huh?" Rodney gave him a puzzled look. Carson realized he'd have to explain.

"You wanted me inside you, then?" he asked gently, kissing the soft skin of Rodney's shoulder.

"Oh. Yeah." Rodney nodded. "How do we do that?"

"Just a moment." Carson leaned over and reached out, pulling open the drawer to his nightstand. He fished about for a moment until he found the bottle of lube he'd put there while Rodney was gone. Rodney looked at it then back at Carson. "It's all right," Carson told him. "This'll make things much easier. I'm just going to play with you for a while, let you relax, see how you do with a finger or two before we do anything else."

Rodney nodded. "Right." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Carson could see he was trembling a little now. Carson squirted a little lube into one hand and started stroking Rodney's hard cock, slow and leisurely. Rodney opened his eyes. "I thought--"

Carson smiled. "I want you nice and relaxed," he said. He let his fingers cup Rodney's balls gently as he kept up a slow rhythm and he could see Rodney letting go and relaxing into it. "That's better," he said softly.

After a few more minutes like that, Rodney closed his eyes again, his body loosening. Carson leaned down and kissed one tight nipple. Rodney made a quiet, pleased sound. "Mmm. That's nice." Slipping one finger down over Rodney's anus, he sucked Rodney's nipple and Rodney shivered. "Oh, that's good," Rodney whispered. Carson felt Rodney's fingers slip into his hair as he sucked and teased at Rodney's nipples, his finger rubbing gently, slicking Rodney's opening, just teasing. Rodney's legs opened slowly as Carson explored, his own cock taking interest in the proceedings.

A few moments more and Carson applied more slick, sucking harder at Rodney's nipples. Rodney moaned, his back arching. Carson could feel the twitch of Rodney's opening as his body responded to the stimulation. "That's lovely," Carson whispered, gently slipping his slick finger in, pressing gently up to his first knuckle. Rodney gasped and shivered. "Is that all right?"

Rodney whimpered and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah. Feels good." Kissing his way down Rodney's chest, Carson twisted his finger, slow and gentle, just playing a little before he pressed in slightly deeper. "Th-that's..." Rodney gasped. "That's nothing like I imagined." His voice was soft and filled with wonder.

"What were you expecting?" Carson asked, sitting back a bit onto his knees so he could stroke Rodney with one hand while he moved gently in and out with his finger. Rodney's breath quickened.

"Thought ... thought it would hurt." His eyes were closed, one hand moving slowly back and forth on the bed cover.

Carson pressed in again, slow, as he twisted his hand, pushing his finger in all the way. "If we do it right, it won't hurt at all," he promised. He searched for a moment then caressed Rodney's prostate with the tip of his finger. Rodney groaned, his cock leaping in Carson's hand.

"Oh! Oh, fuck! Th-that's amazing," Rodney gasped. Carson grinned.

"That's a large part of the attraction of anal sex, Rodney." He leaned down and kissed the tip of Rodney's cock and Rodney moaned, his hand tightening, fisting the coverlet.

"You're gonna kill me." Rodney's eyes opened halfway and Carson's heart leapt. He looked wonderful, eager and wanting, hunger in his eyes.

"I'll give you more," Carson whispered, and Rodney nodded, gasping, "Yeah." Carson slipped a second finger in and Rodney's eyes closed again, moaning, his head rolling back. "You're beautiful, Rodney," Carson said softly. "I want you so much." Rodney groaned loudly as Carson twisted his fingers inside him, moving gently.

"Please," Rodney begged, breathless. His hips canted up to meet Carson's gentle thrusts.

"Easy," Carson said. "Relax. You're still way too tight to take me in."

"Want it, want you," Rodney murmured. He reached blindly toward Carson, his hand finding Carson's arm and caressing it. "Better than I ever imagined." Carson smiled, delighted at Rodney's responses, his fingers caressing and stretching, leaving Rodney shaking and begging for more.

Adding a third finger made Rodney gasp, his eyes popping open as he squeaked. "That's big!" Carson leaned down again and sucked the head of Rodney's leaking cock into his mouth and Rodney groaned, thrusting up at him. He tightened around Carson's fingers, panting hard. "Fuck, that's amazing." Rodney muttered and gasped and begged for Carson to fuck him as Carson opened him, sucking and stroking his cock all the while. Carson was entirely erect now, aching to be inside Rodney's body.

Despite Rodney's begging, Carson kept to the slow, gentle stretching. Rushing would only lead to unnecessary pain, and Carson wasn't about to do that to Rodney. Watching him like this was incredible. Carson had rather suspected Rodney was a bit of a hedonist at heart. The sounds he made and the way he moved on Carson's fingers gave proof to those suspicions.

"I'm going to fuck you slow, Rodney," Carson murmured, watching the effect of his words on his lover. "If you're enjoying this, you'll love having my cock in you." He smiled as Rodney gave a deep groan, pushing against Carson's hand to take his fingers in more deeply. "It's nice and thick," he continued, his voice rough with his own desire, "all long and hard and ready for you."

"Yeah, yes," Rodney gasped. "Please." He looked up at Carson, licking his lips as he panted. "It's good, it's so good."

"I'm bigger than this." Carson stretched his fingers out and Rodney groaned.

"Want it, want it, please." Carson could feel the pulse pounding in Rodney's rock hard cock. He definitely wanted it, and Carson was eager to give him everything he needed. He ghosted a soft trail of kisses along Rodney's belly and Rodney whimpered. "Please."

"I want you on your hands and knees," Carson said softly. Rodney gasped and nodded vigorously.

"Yeah, god yeah." He turned a little, trying to move with Carson's fingers still buried deep inside him.

"Easy, love," Carson said. "Let me help." He pulled his fingers gently out of Rodney's body, lending a hand as Rodney shuffled and turned. Squeezing a big handful of lube out, he slicked himself thoroughly.

"Want it," Rodney panted, trembling on his hands and knees in front of Carson. Carson couldn't help his quiet gasp at the sight. Rodney had an incredible arse and he looked back at Carson, hardly able to contain himself. "Please, now, please."

Nodding, Carson shifted forward a bit, pressing himself up against Rodney's opening. "This is going to stretch a bit," he warned. "I want you to relax, all right?" Rodney nodded and took a breath, letting it out with a loud moan as Carson pushed slowly into him. Rodney was tight and slick and both of them gasped together, Rodney pushing back against him.

"Oh, god," Rodney groaned. "Oh, fuck, you're huge."

His heart pounding, Carson took Rodney in his arms, whispering softly, "Hush, it's all right. You're doing fine." He slipped in further, pressing steadily as Rodney trembled, opening for him, gasping aloud as he pressed back onto Carson's hard, aching cock.

"That's -- fuck, that's amazing," Rodney groaned. "Oh, god, fuck me." He shuddered as Carson slowly began to thrust into him, back and forth, rocking gently. Carson was grateful he'd already come; it would have taken more control than he had to keep from coming right now otherwise. Rodney tightened around him and both of them shuddered. He gasped as Rodney's arms folded and his lover held himself up with one shoulder. "Please," Rodney begged, "please."

The sound of Rodney's voice was intoxicating and the tight heat of his body was absolute pleasure. As he moved, Rodney relaxed more around him and Carson pressed harder and deeper, not letting go of his control. He wanted to let Rodney have the full pleasure of it, wanted to feel Rodney come on his cock before he let himself go.

He leaned down, taking Rodney into his arms, and Rodney moaned softly. "Oh, wow. Carson -- oh!" Gently, he speeded his thrusts, keeping Rodney close and caressing his body. Rodney clenched his fists in the covers, rocking with him, his eyes closed tightly as he cried out. "Never guessed -- fuck, that's incredible. You're incredible."

Carson wrapped one slick hand around Rodney's hard, hot cock and Rodney whimpered, bucking into it, trying to fuck Carson's fist. Holding Rodney about the waist with his other arm, Carson started fucking him in earnest, gasping and grunting with each slap of his body against Rodney's. Rodney tightened, arching his back, slamming back against Carson, his body demanding more, both of them breathless.

After a few sharp thrusts, Carson shifted his weight to get a better grip on the bed and Rodney howled. "Oh, yeah, there!" He bucked back into Carson, moving with frantic desperation and Carson could feel how close Rodney was to the edge.

"That's right," he gasped, "take it, Rodney! Let me fuck you, let me make you come!" Carson could feel it all curling inside him as well, both of them sweating and gasping, Rodney's body tight around him. Rodney gave a sudden cry, jerking underneath him and Carson could feel him abandon himself to the pleasure. "Yes, come on Rodney, give it to me. That's brilliant, love. Come!" He pounded into Rodney's body, not letting up as Rodney shuddered and shouted, finally collapsing under him.

Carson was too close now to stop and he followed Rodney down, thrusting and pounding, holding Rodney tight in his arms, driving his full weight into his lover with all his strength. He could feel the tight spasming of Rodney's entrance around him right at the base of his cock as Rodney gasped, still coming hard. Carson was soaring on the sensation, dizzy with it, feeling like gravity had suddenly snapped as they moved together. "Oh, fuck," Carson gasped, pleasure exploding in him, washing over him, pounding out of his cock like the pulse of his frantic, thundering heart.

They panted together, desperately trying to catch their breath as their hips jerked a last, few, desperate times. With one last groan, Carson collapsed on Rodney's already limp form. God, it was perfect. They lay there sweating and panting for several long minutes as they came down from the high, neither of them able to move.

Finally, Rodney gave a quiet whimper. "I came so hard I think I sprained my ass," he mumbled.

***

Rodney was sitting with Radek in the mess hall when Carson entered, bent over a tablet, pointing and arguing over something Carson couldn't make out quite yet. Carson smiled to see it. That Radek and Rodney were sharing the same space today was a vast improvement that spoke of the possibility of conciliation and a hope for forgiveness that Rodney had been chasing without naming for the past week.

Things had changed so much since Rodney's horrifying misadventure on Doranda. Waking in Rodney's arms that morning, after three days with him offworld, had been a revelation to Carson. Their quiet words, the soft kisses, the utter tenderness of Rodney's whole attitude that morning was something Carson had never expected to see from him.

He watched Rodney and Radek from across the room for a few moments before getting his own tray and making his way through the queue. Carson wasn't certain he wanted to disturb the two of them, but he really did want to spend a little time with Rodney. The power of that desire won out and he approached quietly. "Rodney. Radek."

They both looked up at him. Radek nodded and gestured for him to join them, but Rodney's face lit with an expression that Carson could only describe as besotted. "Hey, Carson!" Rodney kicked the chair opposite him out from under the table so Carson could sit with them. "Things okay in Voodoo Central?"

Carson set down his tray and sat, smiling. "Aye, Rodney. A relatively quiet day, in fact. No injuries on any of the offworld teams, no incipient plagues, not even a minor cough. I got to spend all day in the lab when I wasn't doing paperwork." It had been remarkably relaxing, actually.

Radek gave them both a very strange look, eyes shifting from Rodney to Carson and back. He blinked. "I ... you know, Rodney, I think I left a stim, ah, simulation running in the lab." He picked up his tray.

"You what?" Rodney asked, glowering. "How did you manage to do that, you m -- muh, right." He stopped himself before he managed to insult Radek. "You, uh, go check on that, then."

"I shall see you later." Carson blushed as Radek got up and hurried off, tossing a confused glance back over his shoulder at them as he departed.

"Oh, good, he's gone," Rodney said, leaning in toward Carson with conspiracy in his eyes.

Carson watched Radek disappear, feeling caught out. "Rodney, I think he just figured us out," Carson said. He couldn't help but worrying about it.

Rodney stared at Carson for a moment. He covered his face with one palm. "Oh shit. With that look on your face, though -- how could you be so obvious?"

"Me?" Carson yelped, alarmed. "You're the one who looked like a besotted puppy."

Rodney sighed heavily. "We are so doomed."

Carson shook his head and chuckled. "I doubt 'doom' is quite the word for it, but I'm sure it'll be gossip fodder within the hour."

Rodney peeked through slightly parted fingers, assessing Carson with one eye. "Like I said. Doomed." He lowered his hand to the table. "On the other hand, it does sort of obviate the need for sneaking around or anything." He ventured a crooked, rakish grin. "So, what are you doing after dinner?"

Carson laughed.

~~pau~~


End file.
